


How to be a Private Investigator in Eighteenth Century London

by LozisLaw



Category: South Park
Genre: 1820s, AU, Advanced Technology for the times, Alternate Universe - Steampunk, Bombs, Death, F/M, Gun Violence, London, M/M, Missions, Mutual Pining, Private Investigators, Scandal, Secrets
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-01-26
Updated: 2021-01-26
Packaged: 2021-02-27 03:22:24
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 10
Words: 33,222
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22410232
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LozisLaw/pseuds/LozisLaw
Summary: Stan Marsh is a private detective in the city of London in 1820, where he is contracted by the Prime Minister to investigate an opposing political party looking for his position. Stan recruits a team of misfit powers of London; millionaire mortician Kenny McCormick, kooky inventor Kyle Broflovski, and seasoned mercenary Eric Cartman. The three help him take down a conspiracy that keeps getting deeper the more the four investigate crime in the city.
Relationships: Craig Tucker/Tweek Tweak, Eric Cartman/Wendy Testaburger, Kenny McCormick/Leopold "Butters" Stotch, Kyle Broflovski/Stan Marsh, Leopold "Butters" Stotch/Craig Tucker, Token Black/Wendy Testaburger
Comments: 66
Kudos: 90





	1. Mortuaries are creepy, as well as the people who work there

**Author's Note:**

> Inspired by this awesome artwork by [shiron2611](https://www.deviantart.com/shiron2611/art/4-Boys-in-steampunk-427128809)

Stan had been feeling empty and soulless as a detective for the city of London for a while now, it seemed as though the novelty of enforcing the law and solving crimes had lost the appeal it once had. The reason Stan had become a constable to begin with, and why he had dreamed of catching bad guys on the dirty crime filled streets since he was 12 years old. 

That loss of excitement was now why he trudged through the damp street late at night in his black leather boots, returning from an offer for a job for the prime minister. Done privately, outside of the law. Apparently esteemed Prime minister Token Black needed Stan to murder his campaign opponent- or something equally dramatic to kick him off the running for his job. It wasn’t like he didn’t ask for dramatic jobs; it was him who posted private detective work available over in the underbelly of the town and it wasn’t surprising the PM heard about it. Stan had expected him to involve himself in crime, like every other godforsaken leader and man of power in England. 

It was just the timing that made Stan feel like puking his guts out from the harsh nature of the request. It was an important thing enough that Token involved his wife, Lady Wendy, who was herself a force of nature, but also requiring the example of others who failed in their job and ended up slaves for the Black family seemed like overkill. The fear factor they were going for was working though, and Stan’s stomach was a prime victim. 

Maybe he wasn’t cut out for shadier operations after all. 

Even if he wasn’t he had to go along with the plan: to somehow infiltrate Craig Tucker and Lady Marjorine’s trading business and shut it down, therefore cutting off their source of income and by extension any chance of running against the Black’s for PM and control of the city. The plan of how to infiltrate their business was left up to him, but so far nothing came to mind. They did however give him some advice, to go to the city mortuary and find the owner, who apparently was one of the richest men in London. They didn’t discuss why to go see him, or why a millionaire owned something as morbid and disgusting as a mortuary, so Stan presumed it was up to him to find out. 

He was making his way down the street where the building in question stood, looking menacing and surreal compared to the quaint hobbles of brick and tin houses poor enough to be situated around the death centre. 

He entered through the building and was presented with a long dark hallway reeking of alcohol and copper or to be more accurate, a corpse. The building didn’t bother providing a room for visitors to enquire or anything fancy like that. There was a small desk barely obscuring the view of a poorly lit expanse filled with operating tables, bottles upon bottles of chemicals and doorways probably leading through to other grisly scenes. 

Stan's breath shortened when he saw bodies on the operating tables, some thankfully wrapped in black body bags, but others fully exposed to the fluorescent lights dangling above. He was used to seeing bodies, as a constable it was part of the deal, but seeing the place where someone he shot for attacking him ended up gave his stomach a perfectly reasonable excuse to relieve his breakfast, which was really coming back up anyway after such a stressful night. 

Stan regurgitated his guts out into the nearest trashcan, and then some more internal organs when he saw the blood from the previous visitor of the trashcan. 

‘’That trashcan has for years faithfully served both these bodies needs and the rookie’s stomachs.’’ 

Stan jumped in surprise at the voice and turned to see a tall man cloaked in black and wearing a plague mask staring at him with a bloody saw and a syringe in his gloved hands. He took a few seconds to gape at the intimidating figure that looked like death itself, but then he spoke again, and it sounded quite chirpy, which is the opposite of what he expected death to sound like. 

‘’You looking for a loved one buddy? Or maybe a job? I got a few guys here that would most appreciate you draining their blood and depositing it into a trashcan not unlike the one you’ve deposited into. This place may be grim, but it pays well enough to feed your folks,’’ the masked stranger said, his voice muffled by the daunting plague mask.

Stan swallowed the rising bile in his throat, clearing his throat. ‘’Sorry about that, I’m not looking for a loved one or employment here,’’ Stan said, embarrassed. 

The man waved his hand in gesture, ‘’Nothing to be sorry about, perfectly natural to expel fluids seeing this kind of thing- I myself am experienced enough to not have a gag reflex for blood so it’s not a fair comparison. What is it your looking for then- surely not to watch old McCormick perform my 3 o’clock autopsy?’’ 

Stan stepped forward and introduced himself, getting into professional mode even though it wasn’t necessary for the mortician who would only be directing him to his boss. He had to prepare for him anyway.

‘’My name is Stan Marsh; I’m a private detective and I request an audience with the owner of this establishment for details on a case I’m currently working on. I was led to believe he is usually present at the mortuary this time of day.’’ 

The man stared for a moment then sighed, placed the saw and syringe on an operating table and walked over to Stan. 

‘’Ooh you sound pretty serious, I’m sure it’s important if you’re introducing yourself to me about it instead of the guy upstairs,’’ The man said. 

‘’I assure you it is’’ Stan said.

‘’Alrighty then, I guess you asked for an interview and now you’ll get an interview, cause what say do I have, I’m the clerk, the mortician, the coffee bringer, the ass-wiper and anything else boss man expects of me.’’ 

Stan couldn’t help feeling sorry for this guy, who probably went home hungry despite the bloody work he had to do in the middle of the night for the owner, who frankly sounded like an asshole. He wasn’t looking forward to seeing him and having to kiss his ass for information. 

The man took off his mask and set it down at the table before turning to Stan and gesturing for him to follow. He revealed to have a gush of sandy blonde hair that laced down over his forehead, and a ruffishly handsome face for someone who had a formidable plague mask on just before. He looked quite young, no older than Stan, surely. They walked past the traumatising room into a hallway, when Stan’s curiosity got the best of him. 

‘’How much do you make working here?’’ and he immediately regretted asking when the Man stiffened in composure. He turned his head, narrowing his eyes at Stan from in front of him. ''You do well not asking personal questions like that in this city,'' Kenny said darkly. 

‘’No, no!'' Stan panicked, backtracking. ''I’m sorry- I just feel like you should be making a considerable sum by having to work with all that kind of thing. I mean- not to be rude, but I couldn’t handle that kind of thing, and to get me to do it I’d have to be paid allot of money to stomach it.’’ 

The man seemed to drop his grave expression and grinned. He said ‘’I like you Marsh, you’re something. Not exactly sure what yet- but we’ll see.’’ 

Stan felt too alarmed of this guy’s cheery personality behind the daunting plague mask to respond. He’d kind of always assumed the people behind the crow-like masks were old scarecrows that enjoyed others misery, and that’s why they worked dissecting people for a living and experimenting on new gases with live subjects. 

Stan followed him through one of the mazes of hallways until they reached a door that he waved to and said ‘’This is the boss’s office here. I’ll introduce you.’’ 

He opened to reveal a small but artful office room, fit for a boss in most respects, but no boss to be seen. 

‘’Uh…’’ Stan said, confused. 

The man walked past Stan and took off his bloody apron, underneath wearing fancy black and white vest and trousers, a brown overcoat and a long-striped scarf draped across his back. 

The man sighed and turned back to Stan with a professional expression. He extended his hand at Stan's gawking posture, and chirped, ‘’Kenneth McCormick of McCormick Mortuary, you can call me Kenny.’’ 

Stan awkwardly stood in the doorway, across from Kenny, staring at him and waiting for him to reveal the joke, that he pretended to be the owner and millionaire that Stan was supposed to see. 

He didn’t. 

Kenny continued to grin at Stan's lost composure. ‘’Wasn’t there some detective work you were going to hash onto me?’’ 

Stan recovered brain function slowly. ‘’Wait, So… You’re the owner of the mortuary? The same guy who made millions on a business venture and bought this place out? The same guy who could buy and sell the entire city? You’re that guy?’’ Saying it out loud sounded even stupider than in his head. 

‘’Don’t sound so sceptical Marsh- you’re the one who said I should be making real money as a mortician, so I have,’’ Kenny easily replied.

Kenny sat himself on the chair behind his desk, casually leaning back and waiting for Stan to do something instead of stand there like an idiot. He couldn’t seem to erase the crease in his brow as though he was solving a hard equation, he just couldn’t wrap his head around this. The fact that the highly regarded individual in London, talked in praise by the PM himself was in fact a modest man no older than himself who made his own way. He’d been imagining a fat aristocrat with expensive clothes, furniture, everything- maybe even golden cigars. 

‘’But- you were working in the morgue, with the mask and everything. If you’re so rich- why keep doing that kind of work?’’ 

Kenny scoffed and shook his head in disappointment. 

‘’There’s more to life than money- I knew that before I made any, and I know that now. You know why I became a mortician? Not to make a paycheck. I could do that anywhere, if there wasn’t something extra for me here. I belong with the dead. I understand them, and it helps me work. It helps solve murders that people like you cause by firing your guns at everyone all day. Sure, they start it- but you certainly finish it for them. There’s nothing they can do about that, nothing I can do about it for them. So, if I can’t help them when they’re alive, I’ll help them in death. Surely, it doesn’t matter if I’ve got more in my pocket at the end of the day. I’m still me, and I still have a cause. I’m not like those pompous hypocrites like the PM and his authoritarian trophy wife who think they got to act like royalty and get everyone else to wipe their ass for them.’’ 

Kenny kicked his feet up onto the desk and placed his hands over his lap, ‘’And that’s why you’re here aren’t you. You got sick of normal police work- you wanted spice, so you asked them for it. They certainly provided, didn’t they? Now you’ve got to deal with the fallout, and the fact that if you don’t clean this up, you’ll be licking Token’s balls while in chains.’’ 

This was going way too fast for Stan’s liking, he needed to backtrack. 

‘’Wait- how did you know about the PM’s plans? It’s supposed to be a secret- according to him.’’ 

‘’They called me about it, asking for help. I refused obviously, and I was going to refuse whichever pompous asshole they chose to come over to this ‘hellhole’ only for the sake of kissing my ass. That’s what you were going to do, before you realised that I’m a low-born junkie who made it by sheer luck and I’m not worth sucking up to. I know what you’re playing at Marsh, I’ve spent my life getting away from people like you,’’ Kenny sat forward in his executive seat, pointing at Stan with a cold expression.

Stan lifted his hands up in gesture to stop. 

‘’Whoa- hang on a minute. You can drone on about the hypocrisy of classes all you like- but you are a part of it. And it’s pretty hypocritical of you to accuse me of assuming your status then go on to assume mine. You don’t even know me.’’

‘’Touché Marsh,’’ Kenny said, leaning back in his seat, relaxing his face again.

‘’So, can we please go back to the start, and introduce ourselves without deceit, assumptions or political class.’’ 

‘’You make a good point Marsh, alright go on then, convince me to help you.’’ 

Stan let out a breath. ‘’Okay, so obviously you’ve been informed already on my current predicament by the PM. Did they tell you exactly what I’m expected to do?’’ 

Kenny shrugged, ‘’I’ve been told you’re coming to see me and get information on how to take down their major rivals in trade. Sir Craig Tucker and his lovely slave housewife. That’s if I decided to help you at all, and so far, there’s nothing in this for me except the look of devastation on his smug asshole face he’ll have when I take him down.’’ 

‘’So, you’ve basically been told the gist of things. There’s not much to add except for that if I don’t succeed in this mission, I will be licking Token’s balls in chains like you said- probably Lady Wendy’s too.’’ 

Kenny chuckled and pointed to Stan, ‘’She’s probably got bigger balls than him too.’’ 

They both laughed, forgetting about the earlier coldness completely, surprisingly easy. Stan was surprised at himself mostly, because he usually wasn't one to easily forgive. Kenny seemed to just be contagious in his relaxed demeanour. Kenny asked if he wanted a drink, and Stan accepted one. He sat down in the guest chair facing Kenny and they drank whiskey from the fancy glasses he offered from his desk. 

‘’So, marsh-’’ Kenny started, swishing the golden liquid around in his glass. 

‘’You can call me Stan if you want,’’ Stan interrupted.

‘’Ooh I suppose we’re buddies now. Am I going to have to agree to help you now?’’ Stan shook his head, grinning- he maybe might be a little tipsy already from the whiskey. Why did he agree to whiskey when he needs to focus?

‘’Not if you don’t want to, man. You know you were right before- I was certain I was going to have to kiss your ass- maybe lick your balls too to get your help. Now it seems overrated, and I’ll be doing enough ball-licking when I fail the mission anyway. Ha- imagine that!’’ 

Kenny was staring at him seriously now, his light blue eyes searching Stan’s face, and he felt very exposed. 

‘’You know what, I was here expecting some snotty fool who would turn their nose up at my work and me for making my money here- but instead you come along. I’ll admit it wasn’t cool to fuck with your mind like that about who I was, but I’ll also admit I like you accepted it and you were honest with me about your intentions. I like you- and I wouldn’t mind working together. It gets lonely here sometimes, so it’s nice to relax and have a drink with someone.’’ 

‘’Wait- so does that mean you’ll help me out?’’ 

‘’I don’t think the two of us will be enough to take Craig down but sure- why the fuck not? I’ll admit I’ve got a vested interest in destroying that son of a bitch and saving the angel in bonds he calls his wife. It’s also fun to leave my typical work for some badass spy missions.’’ 

‘’I don’t even know where to start though, I was kind of hoping you might have a lead to how to take down their business.’’ 

Kenny smirked and said, ‘’Well I don’t have a lead- but I might know someone who does. Fancy that they’re probably the perfect person to join our impromptu gang right now.’’

‘’Really- that’s awesome, who is it?’’ Kenny glanced down to Stan hip where his gun sat snug in his belt, he tipped his chin to it. 

‘’Why that’s a mighty fine revolver you got on you- what’s that, looks like it’s made in the city. Why I’d know that expert craftsmanship anywhere. Only one person clever enough to make gun as fine as that.’’ Kenny tapped his chin thoughtfully as realisation swept over Stan and he blushed. 

‘’You don’t mean…’’ 

‘’That’s right, the next person to see is the smart, the kooky, the extraordinary inventor Kyle Broflovski!’’ 

The one person who made Stan stammer and blush, though he’s never met him in person. Stan wasn’t high up enough to meet the famed engineer and inventor, but everyone knew who he is, having invented nearly every type of gun, appliance and gadget that everyone used today. It isn’t surprising that one of the richest men in London knew one of the smartest, and it isn’t surprising that a quick mention of the name makes him nervous, like anyone near him would see the blush on his face and know he has the hugest crush on the smartest guy in London. Thankfully Kenny didn’t notice his red face or didn’t mention it and for that he was eternally grateful. Even though he didn’t known him for long, Kenny struck Stan as the type of guy who would tease someone mercilessly of their crush. 

‘’You’ve met him huh?’’ 

Kenny grinned and nodded excitedly. 

‘’Man, oh man- he’s a riot, totally on another level from us- mentally I mean. I met up with him a few years back asking him to invent a flying jetpack- I was joking around, but I was kind of serious too. I wouldn’t be opposed to spending my money on something like that- flying dude, that’s sounds fucking awesome. Anyway, he said he couldn’t make me something like that cause the ‘science’ hasn’t been proven or whatever. But I think he was hiding something from me- he’s probably got a whole laboratory full of jetpacks but he’s hoarding them for himself, lucky bastard. I bought some other stuff for work from him anyway, and they were good, so I kept going back for supplies and still do. We’ve been in touch ever since, and I’m pretty lucky, cause he’s not the most social person and political class bores him to tears so he’s doesn’t go out and ham it up with lords and ladies or whatever the fuck people his level are expected to do. That’s another thing I like about him- doesn’t take crap from the charade of ranking and refuses to partake in it.’’

‘’Jesus man, you make him sound like a martyr. You sure you aren’t infatuated?’’ Stan asked, trying to sound amused when really, he was anxious to hear. 

‘’Nah man, he’s an awesome dude, but I may as well tell you I like someone else. The sex-goddess known as shithead Craig’s slave-wife. Also, I’m pretty sure Kyle’s too bizarre to want to date anyone. That is unless he’s waiting for someone special. You going to be that special guy eh Stan?’’ Kenny chuckled as Stan stammered a drunken denial, face turning red as he toyed with the glass of whiskey. 

‘’That’s okay dude, we love who we love, and gender ain’t gonna stop us, neither will an asshole trader stealing the love of my life away,’’ Kenny said, grinning at Stan’s embarrassed face.

‘’So, are we gonna go see this guy?’’ Stan asked, trying to get serious again, though the whiskey was making his thoughts processes somewhat fuzzy. It was good whiskey though, expensive looking, and Stan tipped the rest down.

‘’The guy hates drinking, the weirdo, so I say we meet up again tomorrow or some shit to see him. Right now, I want to get plastered!’’ Kenny exclaimed, hoisting his glass above his head before swallowing the rest of it down.


	2. Get drunk, feel sick, fall in love

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait. Hope you start getting hooked, I know I am.

Kenny ended up taking Stan to a pub uptown where everything was exorbitantly priced. They took a private coach from the mortuary, which Stan was glad for, the place making him shiver, knowing what was outside in the main foyer. The place was surrounded by rich aristocrats, who Kenny openly scoffed at when they took a private booth and ordered another bottle of whiskey.

‘’You know I kind of hate this place, but it’s the only pub in town with this brand’’ Kenny said, holding up the bottle as he poured himself another. Stan was drunk already, not used to the high concentration of alcohol in the good quality whiskey, only familiar with pissed down ale in the pub across the street from his apartment in Brixton.

‘’Yeah, ah- well we could go to a place downtown in my area if you like the piss-poor atmosphere more’’ Stan suggested, grinning stupidly. He liked Kenny, he was honest, besides from that whole identity charade when they met. They only met this afternoon, that was crazy. He felt like they’d known each other for years. Maybe it was the whiskey, it was a very good brand. He couldn’t completely read it, it was so fancy, but that could be his impaired vision. Shit, this stuff was strong, Stan felt like he was swaying, the wind making him nervous he could be blown away, though they were inside right now.

‘’Places like those was where I was born. I wasn’t cut out to be an aristocrat, but oh well. I am one regardless, whether I feel like one or not. You know I was an orphan? Parent’s died when I was twelve, services took my siblings away to foster homes, left me behind. But that was an accident’’ Kenny said casually, eyeing Stan as he gulped down the rest of his glass. Stan shook his head.

‘’That really sucks man. I was middle class, but right now if I don’t make some money on this job, I’m gonna be kicked out of my apartment. I’ll probably have to become a blood-drainer, like yourself, or maybe not if the career makes as much as you say I does’’ Stan said, feeling like they could just tell each other their woes without struggle right now, clear their minds. Kenny was a good drinking buddy, Stan strongly suspected. He had an idea then.

‘’Hey. Hey, you know the guy we’re meeting tomorrow. Kyle Broflovski- famous inventor’’ Stan said, and Kenny chuckled like he didn’t need a full description of the guy to remember him.

‘’Yeah, yeah I know ‘im. Awesome guy, I can’t wait for you guys to meet. Hey, guess what though’’ Kenny said, leaning closer to Stan in a way that felt serious. Stan leaned forward himself, intrigued.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked.

‘’I was bluffing before. I’ve actually got the biggest boner for Kyle, totally in love with him’’ Kenny admitted, and Stan’s mouth dropped open. Anger took over Stan’s drunk-ass mind before he could calm himself. He felt his face burn as he glared at a serious looking Kenny.

‘’How dare you! What the fuck are you saying?’’ Stan shouted, and Kenny split a smile. He grinned at Stan in a fashion Stan didn’t appreciate, like he was peering into him.

‘’Nothing. But I know what you’re saying now. You’ve totally got a boner for him, haven’t you?’’ Kenny said impishly. Stan glowered, unable to believe Kenny managed to trick him again. Devious bastard.

‘’No!’’ Stan said angrily, banging his glass down on the table, and glaring at him. This was just the height of embarrassment for him. Kenny laughed.

‘’The more you deny it the more I’ll believe you beat off to him every night. Does he fuck you in your fantasies, or are you heroically barebacking his ass like a deviant?’’ Kenny asked, swishing his glass.

‘’Fuck off, McCormick. Didn’t you just before cry about Lady Marj not being under your tyrannical control?’’ Stan retorted. Kenny narrowed his eyes.

‘’Have you met Marjorine, Stan? In person?’’ Kenny asked. Stan had to think about this, feeling slow.

‘’No’’ Stan said, only recalling vague images of her next to a tall, domineering Craig Tucker, done up in a swanky suit. She always wore white, like she was at her wedding or christening, or funeral, and she had a swish of light blonde hair swaying down her shoulders, framing her very childlike face.

‘’Right, well, no doubt you’ve seen her picture anyway, because who hasn’t in this city? But, I’m telling you, you meet her in person, your mind will be blown. The woman is a majestic dove, a rare jewel amongst thieves and rapists looking to exploit her natural sweetness and beauty. She’s a fucking goddess, and she deserves more than fucking Craig and that prison she’s in right now. Pisses me off’’ Kenny said, raising his voice.

‘’Woah dude, calm down. I get it okay’’ Stan said, holding his hands up in surrender.

‘’Sorry, man. I’m just in a shitty position right now. She won’t leave him, she’s too scared, or good-hearted or something. He owns the her like a slave, but it’s her family that has all the wealth. He’s basically a vagabond who made his living stealing souls. Not everyone knows that he married into power, I just knew the right people’’ Kenny said. Stan widened his eyes.

‘’Wait- hang on! We’re supposed to find stuff like this to exploit him for the job. Is there some way we could use that to take him down?’’ Stan asked.

‘’You’re drunk Stan’’ Kenny chuckled. ‘If don’t think anyone will care he wasn’t raised with a golden spoon up his ass. Not enough to not elect him anyway. I think we’ll just have to kill the fucker’’ 

‘’Um. I don’t think I’m willing to kill guys over this. I think I’d rather suck Token’s balls’’ Stan said.

‘’Shit, well. You might have to if we go any deeper. I know how the underbellies of this city work, trust me‘’ Kenny said. Stan sighed, suddenly sober with the fear of this shitpile he’d gotten himself into.

‘’Meeting this guy better be worth it for the cause’’ Stan said, though he knew. If only to meet him at all would be a life goal ticked off his list. Kenny gave him an annoyingly knowing shit-eating grin.

‘’Oh it will Stanley. Trust me’’

**

Stan was anxious to get this mission done, so he and Kenny agreed to meet back together at the address he gave him the next day. Stan had stumbled home the night before, letting Kenny chaperone him in his fancy car instead of falling over and dying drunk in a ditch, as Kenny put it. Stan had the worst hangover, not used to drinking so much expensive whiskey at once, and he felt like his brain had been shaken off kilter and scrambled before re-pieced into his skull, an evil thing in his stomach that made him always wary of needing to vomit, but never managing to purge it. He would need to pace himself next time if this drinking with Kenny was to continue. He was not looking forward to meeting Kyle under these circumstances, afraid to look haggard in the presence of his greatness, but mostly berating himself for not thinking his hangover would affect his performance for this important step in the mission, while he was drinking his ass off while drunkenly claiming Kenny to be his soul brother, his best friend, that this moment was to be documented in history forever man, seriously.

He was standing on the steps of the huge warehouse multi-storey apartments in the centre of London, on the address Kenny gave him, wearing his best brown vest suit, complete with pockets and chains, and trying to look more professional than he felt. 

It was 10 in the morning, the sky was grey and overcast, like always in this depressing rain town. Stan brought his gun just in precaution, as this line of work could present danger at any moment, and because he wanted to impress Kyle by showing him that he used his creations, the ones he could afford anyway, though technically this gun belonged to the constable station he retired from, and he sneakily took it with him when he left. They didn’t endorse his decision to go private.

Kenny arrived shortly afterwards, and Stan was only confused that he walked here when he was so rich before he remembered Kenny was the weirdest rich dude he’d ever met, trying to pretend he couldn’t buy and sell this city, including Token and Craig’s respective businesses, even though he totally could. Stan met up with him and they regarded the domineering brick and steel building in front of them.

‘’Ready man. Know how you’re gonna serenade him?’’ Kenny asked, slapping Stan’s shoulder. Stan felt his face burn, and glared at Kenny. He couldn’t believe Kenny figured him out, and that he didn’t do a better job hiding himself while shitfaced.

‘’Fuck off. We’re here to ask for his help’’ Stan said, trying to breath properly, overcome with nervousness, which was bullshit. It wasn’t about him right now, his emotions were irrelevant. He just needed to remember that once they were in there.

‘’Let’s go then‘’ Kenny said, and they entered through the large glass doors. They made it into the front reception area, which Stan immediately noticed the improvement to Kenny’s reception, having chairs and an actual receptionist in front of a desk. Stan glanced at Kenny, trying to convey in a smirk what he was thinking. Kenny looked back and stuck his tongue out.

‘’Fuck you, this place is overdone anyway‘’ Kenny whispered, nudging Stan’s side. Stan snickered, momentarily calmed, that was until they walked up to the receptionist and she looked up from her paperwork, making a face when she saw Kenny leaning down onto the table and grinning at her. Stan guessed they knew each other.

‘’How do you do, Bebe. Mighty fine economy we’re having, don’t you agree?’’ Kenny announced, looking down at her. Bebe frowned, regarding Kenny with an annoyed and slightly bored stare. She sighed.

‘’What do you want now, Kenneth? No, we do not have any self-destructing bow-ties, and we probably won’t anytime soon’’ Bebe said, rehearsed. Stan boggled at Kenny, who waved him off.

‘’Another business venture I had when I was drunk’’ Kenny whispered to Stan. ‘’Haha, Bebe you’re still a scream. You got a boyfriend yet?’’ Kenny asked. Bebe narrowed her eyes, and Stan knew that was the wrong thing to say. Kenny seemed unconcerned.

‘No, Kenneth. I have not. Can you please direct your reason for wasting my time before I get the bouncer to throw you out on your ass’’ Bebe said coldly.

‘’Wow, Kyle has a bouncer now?’’ Kenny said.

‘’Yeah, for the advantage of throwing drunk assholes like yourself out of his building when you don’t call me back and come over the next day purely for the reason of wanting a robotic butler‘’ Bebe said. Stan was wholly confused, and now Kenny began to look uncomfortable.

‘’Jeez, man. You still not over that, huh‘’ Kenny said awkwardly, scratching his neck. Bebe just glared. Stan stood still, watching them both, slightly preferring this awkwardness than his nerves.

‘’Look, we’ve got an appointment with boss man. Are you gonna bite my head off if we escort ourselves down to his lab?’’ Kenny said. Bebe glared some more, then sighed again.

‘’I’ll escort you up, Mr McCormick. You know Kyle doesn’t like you wandering around on your own’’ Bebe said, standing up and adjusting her skirt. She had short sleeved button up shirt, with a sash around her neck, the first few buttons undone to reveal her cleavage, and she had a perfectly styled mop of curly blonde hair. Stan wondered if Kenny found her appealing, and then realised why the conversation was so cold.

She led them through some big wooden doors through a corridor, and immediately up a bound of stairs. Stan took the time of climbing them to ask Kenny about it.

‘’We’re you involved with Bebe at some point?’’ Stan asked, whispering to him as Bebe walked up ahead of them.

‘’Shite. It was like one drunken night I came here, I barely remembered I’d even done anything the next day, but she was pissed off. She’s been like that ever since. Don’t take her coldness too personally, it’s all reserved for me‘’ Kenny whispered back, glancing at Bebe as they walked up the endless cascade of steps.

‘’How high up is this place?’’ Stan asked, already panting. It had been awhile since he’d done any active constable patrolling.  
‘’Top floor’’ Kenny said gravely. They took the rest of their energy scaling up the steps, and finally arrived at the top, on a huge set of brass doors that Bebe grunted to open. She held one open for Kenny and Stan to enter through, and Stan was blown away the moment he stepped inside. The place was enormous, high ceilings worth over two levels, with massive heavy looking windows out into the city around them, giving them an incredible view from high up. The place itself was littered with all sorts of crazy inventions, Stan assumed, by their brute size and odd shapes that he’d never recognise outside of a place like this. Steam blew out of machines and created a vacuum of noise in the air, and tables upon tables of gadgets lay strewn about, almost looking like they were in order. 

Stan glanced at Kenny, hoping to get some perspective into this amazing room of wonder, and Kenny just grinned at him, probably amused by his face. Bebe stood in front of them, waiting, until she blew a whistle with her fingers and some clattering stopped. Stan looked over to the source, and realised there was a person high up on one of these machines, holding a blow torch and wearing a pair of huge goggles. The person looked down at them, still so high up that Stan flinched as though they’d fall as they climbed down with a built in ladder of the side of the hulking machine. The person jumped off once they reached a safe enough level from the ground, and came over to the three of them. They regarded Bebe first.

‘’What have I told you about interrupting me unless the place is on fire?’’ The goggled man said, holding his hips.

‘’This is your 10 o’clock appointment, sir‘’ Bebe simply said, standing back, and letting him see Kenny and Stan. Stan widened his eyes when he realised who this was. The goggled man looked at Kenny, and immediately broke into a grin.

‘’Kenny, you bastard. What the hell do you want from me now?’’

‘’Why would you assume I wanted anything from you. Maybe I wanted to catch up, hang out, get pissed‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Because you organised an appointment out of my busy schedule, and only clients do that, not friends. I don’t have time for your games, now give me the blueprints and fuck off.’’ Kenny laughed.

‘’Oh, Kyle, you don’t change. I’d like you to meet a new friend of mine‘’ Kenny gestured to Stan, telling him to introduce himself, and he panicked.

‘’Oh, uh, Stan Marsh. Private detective’’ Stan said awkwardly, putting his hand out to shake. The man just looked at him with those crazy circular goggles, down at his hand, then back at him again, not shaking it. Stan heated up, and it felt like an eternity before anything else happened. The man pulled his goggles up, shaking his crazy explosion of red curls about, and looked back at Stan with the most intense and glimmering green eyes he’d ever seen in his life. He looked at Stan for a few seconds without emotion, unblinking, then his face broke into a grin.

‘’Kyle Broflovski’’ Kyle said, shaking Stan’s hand fiercely, staring at him again with those huge green eyes.

Stan popped a boner.


	3. Kooky Kyle Katches a Kase

Stan croaked embarrassingly in his throat, praying to god no-one heard it, as he returned Kyle’s smile and shook his hand, subtly trying to push his hips backward so it wouldn’t look conspicuous. Kyle gave him a confused grin and shrugged to himself, rather comically. Kenny was right about this guy being a bit eccentric, but that behaviour wasn’t helping Stan’s condition at all, and he wasn’t about to hightail it out of here, but if anyone pointed his erection out he would definitely hightail it out of here. Never speaking to any of them again, including Kenny, who basically put him in this situation, though he wasn’t the cause. It was this motherfucker with his adorable goggles, sleeveless shirt and long leather gloves, insane fucking eyes that tore Stan’s heart out with their size, so unguarded and amazing and gorgeously pretty with their faint long red eyelashes. Stan was going to explode, he knew it. He had to look away from Kyle, before he did something stupid, or say something dumb, that he wouldn’t like.

‘’So what the hell do you need if not a gadget?’’ Kyle asked Kenny, glancing at Stan again. He really wished he stopped doing that, because it gave Stan a mini heart attack every time, and he couldn’t get enough.

‘’Stan?’’ Kenny said, gesturing him to continue. Stan’s throat felt like it was in his stomach, he was so caught off guard and flustered. Kyle turned to him expectantly.

‘’Um- uh, well we have this thing. That we wanna do- or have to, um. You see, shit, uh- ‘’ Stan stammered.

‘’What Stan is trying to say, is we have a proposition for you,‘’ Kenny finished for him. Stan was eternally grateful.

‘’Oh, I see. So you want my help not for making you a million dollar gizmo, but for something else. My, I’m intrigued, please go on,’’ Kyle said, holding his chin. Another glance and a smirk at Stan. Jesus Christ.

‘’Maybe we should sit down somewhere,’’ Kenny suggested, and Kyle laughed.

‘’We don’t sit down here. We work, with our hands. We don’t have swanky offices to interrogate people in,’’ Kyle said.

‘’You know about that?’’ Kenny asked. Kyle smiled.

‘I have my tricks,’’ Kyle said. Kenny looked at Stan. Stan didn’t know what to think. He shrugged, chancing a glance at Kyle. Bad move, Kyle was staring back, a heavy look in his eyes. Fuck, Stan was failing here, and desperately tried to remind himself why he was even here. He was here to ask for help on a dire job, not flirt with Kyle.

‘’Well, is there somewhere more comfortable, or suitable for us, to talk without machines buzzing around us? It’s kinda important man,‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Fine, come on. I’ll show you a place at least suitable for your expensive tastes. Or we can just walk and talk?’’ Kyle said.

‘’Jesus, dude. It’s like one thing I ask of you,‘’ Kenny said. Kyle laughed.

‘’Let me give you a list right now, I’ll let you figure it out on your own. Flying jet pack, remote control carriage, self-destructing bow-tie, flying boot rockets, metal detecting glasses, should I go on?'' Kyle said. Stan laughed awkwardly and Kenny huffed.

‘’Fine, I get your point. You done smart ass?'' Kenny said. Kyle laughed and slapped Kenny’s back and turned from them, nodding his head for them to follow. Stan assumed they were heading to another room to sit and talk, but Kyle seemed to forget they were even there, and went to a table to pick up a crazy looking gadget and inspect it. Stan looked at Kenny, confused, and Kenny leaned into his ear.

‘’Kyle has this thing where he loses his concentration on people if they bore him, and just goes on like they weren’t even there. You don’t know how many times that’s happened to me,‘’ Kenny whispered, both of them watching Kyle as he tinkered with his items. Kyle was weirder than Stan gave him credit for, but that did nothing to squash his crush, shit.

‘’So tell me why you’re here,’’ Kyle spoke up, surprising them. He didn’t look at them, just kept working. Kenny nudged Stan, and Stan suddenly felt the hangover from last night catch up with him.

‘’Um, okay. I’m a private detective, I used to work for the force but went private when it got too boring, I guess. The PM contacted me to somehow infiltrate Craig Tucker’s business and get him kicked out of the political race for the election coming up. He made it clear that I help him and succeed, or become his slave essentially,’’ Stan explained.

‘’So what made you think that attending the prime minister’s invitation would be at all beneficial to you? At all?’’ Kyle asked. Stan flushed.

‘’Well, I didn’t realise at the time what he was suggesting, I had no idea,’’ Stan said.

‘'I have absolutely no interest in politics, but even I can see that lady Wendy controls Token by the balls. This is her fight, she wants the power Craig threatens. This is a messy fight you’ve gotten yourself into, but why are you telling me?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’We need your help’’ Stan said. ‘’Kenny says you’d be valuable to us and our cause,’’ Stan said.

‘’Here’s what I don’t get though. Kenny, what the fuck are you part of this for? Stan has shit judgement, I understand that, but Kenny? Who blackmailed you into this, and why haven’t you bought someone to kill them for you yet?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Not everyone likes spending their wealth, Kyle. I just want to drag Tucker through the dirt, that why I’m here,‘’ Kenny said. Kyle smirked down at his work.

‘’Oh I see. Still hopelessly infatuated with his plaything?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny glared, but Kyle was oblivious, concentrating on the gadgets on the work table.

‘’She has a name asshole,‘’ Kenny said.

‘'I thought you gave up on that impossible project when she refused to leave him for you?’’ Kyle asked. ‘’What was it, that time when you begged on her back porch to run away with you and escape her marriage?’’

‘’How the hell do you know so much about what’s been going on?’’ Kenny asked, glowering. Kyle finally looked up from the table and smiled at them.

‘’How do I invent all these things, how do I know how to make money, how do I do anything? Knowledge, it’s the only answer. I source my knowledge where I can, because the more I know, the more fulfilled I will be. Stan- why did you leave the force and pursue a career on your own? You wanted knowledge, you couldn’t learn anymore more from where you were, so you changed your direction. It’s the most powerful thing in our lives, so if you want to know who really owns this town, hey, look at the guy who installed remotely detonated bombs into every single gun I’ve ever sold and can explode them all with a click of my fingers,’’ Kyle said. Stan widened his eyes in surprise, took out his gun.

‘’Give me that,’’ Kyle said, and Stan handed him the revolver. In a completely idiotic moment of stupidity, he wondered if he could get Kyle to sign it. He chucked the thought away immediately, embarrassed with himself for being so lame. This is why he hated crushes, they made him act like a total jackass.

Kyle inspected the gun for a second, then popped it’s cover open with a screwdriver, showing them a tiny device stuck to the side, out of place in it’s internal mechanics. Stan recognised it as a bomb from his strenuous training on them, though they didn’t show up much in police work, and never in a compact size like this.

‘’Holy shit. That thing is in every gun in the city?’’ Kenny asked, leaning closer to peer at it’s minuscule size. Kyle nodded and screwed the cover back on, handing it back to Stan. Their hands touched for a second when he took it back, and Kyle grinned at him. Stan flushed, and looked away as he tucked it back into his pocket.

‘’You’re saying you can remotely detonate every gun- from here? How the fuck is that possible?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’Engineers secret. You might sell my idea if I tell you,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Well shit, while we’re here, I want one of those things that control the bombs,’’ Kenny said.

‘’No. That’s a personal gadget, I don’t sell all of my creations- where would that leave me?’’ Kyle said.

‘’See, that’s why we need you. No one else will have tech like that to compete with, we’d be running home free,’’ Stan said. Kyle snorted.

‘’That’s cute. You really think I haven’t sold anything to Token, Craig, fuck even Wendy in confidence? And what’s in it for me? Staring at you is not good enough reason to risk my empire with my life. Did I say that out loud?’’ Kyle said. Stan guffawed nervously, not sure what he just heard. Kyle seemed to shrug it off like he didn’t even care anymore.

‘’I could pay you?’’ Kenny suggested.

‘’Ken, I know you think you’re hot shit because you’re rich, but you forget I’m nearly just as affluent as you are. I don’t need money. There’s nothing you can buy to win me over into helping you,’’ Kyle said.

‘’I can give you Stan, in exchange?’’ Kenny offered.

‘’Kenny, what the fuck? No!’’ Stan said.

‘’Well hang on, that sounds interesting,’’ Kyle said, and Stan spun to him in shock. Kyle snickered at Stan, giving him a sly wink. Fuck, this guy knew how to play.

‘’You can have him,‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Woah, hang on. This is supposed to be my mission, I’m in charge here, Kenny doesn’t have the power to sell me, he doesn’t own me,’’ Stan said.

‘’Stan, I’ll buy you in exchange for buying both Token and Craig’s businesses for you, mission solved, then I’ll sell you to Kyle. Sound good?’’ Kenny said.

‘’If you can solve this so easily by taking over their businesses and power, why not solve this case by doing that, save us this trouble,’’ Stan suggested.

‘’Um, cos dude, I’m not going to spend half my money on something for a guy I’ve known for only one day and got plastered with the night before.’’

‘’But you’ll go to all this effort in some secret mission that’ll just complicate things even more?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Yep, I’m bored as fuck in the mortuary. I live for moments like these, it’s what life’s all about, adventure,‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Life is about collecting knowledge,’’ Kyle countered.

‘’What good is knowledge if we don’t use it on adventures?’’ Kenny said.

‘’You can’t adventure without knowledge first,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Okay we get it, adventure is knowledge, knowledge is adventure whatever. Will you help us?’’ Stan asked Kyle. Kyle sighed and scratched his head, fluffing up his curls. Stan couldn’t help stare.

‘’You guys still haven’t given me a good enough reason to, and i’m suspecting you don’t have one. You just want me to drop all my work to chase some politician that offended another one, out of the goodness of my heart? What is even moral about this mission. You’re being blackmailed into doing this job, you’re obviously dreading it, why do I need to be roped into it, you’ve got nothing on me,’’ Kyle said. Kenny walked over to Kyle, and leaned over to him, whispering into his ear. Stan watched as Kyle’s eyes widened as he listened to Kenny, then his face blush, then he looked at Stan. Stan had no idea what was going on.

‘’Okay, I’ll help,’’ Kyle said. Kenny stepped back again, grinning. Stan’s jaw dropped.

‘’What suddenly changed?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Don’t worry your pretty head over it,‘’ Kenny said, waving him off.

‘’So what first? How are we doing this?’’ Kyle asked, walking around the table back to them. Stan tried not to let it get to him when Kyle stood closer than he had to, or maybe it was in his head. Either way, the boner that Stan willed to disappear had returned, and Stan was back to shifting his hips backward to avoid detection. He was so humiliated, but ultimately glad Kyle had agreed, which only meant they’d be spending more time together, which only meant more awkward moments like this, because it only took a look from Kyle to make him aroused. It was fucking exhausting, and he barely met the guy.

‘’Um,’’ Stan looked at Kenny, hoping he knew how to go about this.

‘’The fuck you lookin’ at me for? It’s your case, as you said,‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Right. Um, so should we go and see Craig, maybe to get some information to start?’’ Stan suggested, hoping these two knew what they were doing, because god know’s Stan didn’t.

‘’If you want to expose yourself as a suspect sure, unless we’re meant to be going for the element of surprise here,’’ Kyle said.

‘‘No, no, I like that plan. We go over there, blast Tucker’s brains apart with that bomb gun, I carry Marj safely out of the crack den, and we’re home free,’’ Kenny said.

‘’How the fuck did you make money, if you’re this stupid?’’ Kyle asked. Kenny grinned, and held his pinkie to his mouth.

‘’I’ll never tell,‘’ Kenny giggled impishly. Kyle rolled his eyes. Stan sighed dreamily in Kyle’s direction.

‘’Why don’t we continue the plan over lunch. There’s a good place around the corner,’’ Kyle suggested.

‘’That sounds perfect. I’m sure Marsh is feeling his hangover too, so we’d love some greasy pub food,‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Alcohol is a waste of time. What you really need is a hit of cold hard cocaine,’’ Kyle said, then he smiled at Stan to let him know he was joking, hopefully.

‘I do both, for the record. Just putting that out there so there’s no secrets between us. I’ve a feeling this will become a beautiful friendship between the three of us, don’t you agree?‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Sure, just stop coming here drunk and asking for a fucking jet pack. I don’t have one,’’ Kyle said, poking Kenny’s chest.

‘’You do, and you just won’t share,‘’ Kenny said, as they were walking out back through the doors of the warehouse floor to the stairwell. It was clear Kenny and Kyle had a friendship there that Stan didn’t with them yet, that was understandable, he wasn’t really concerned. He was concerned that his boner was obvious as they headed down the long pyramid of stairs, concerned that he most definitely knew what he was jerking off to tonight, even if he was humiliated about it, the fact that Kyle was in control of him already, and he’d just met him that fucking hour. Concerned that this might impede his common sense later on, though he barely cared about that right now. He was in love, that clouded common sense, clouded his judgement, clouded everything but the yearning he felt every time the motherfucker smirked at him like he was trite, and amusing to his world class mind.


	4. For all intents and affairs of the household

They went down to restaurant shortly after, and Kenny was right, his hangover loved the mounds of greasy food Stan fed it. He stuffed in roast beef and mash, hot gravy and potatoes like he was starving, which now he was. Kenny ate ravenously, also seeming to feed his hangover out of existence, and Kyle ate like a bird, picking bits off his plate delicately. It wasn’t much of a surprise, Kyle was so skinny, he wouldn’t have much of an appetite. He and Kenny downed their meals with ale, a much more wholesome drink than that of last night with Kenny. 

‘’So how are we gonna destroy Tucker? Any ideas Kyle?’’ Kenny asked, wiping his chin clean. Kyle was fidgeting with his fork, seemingly lost in thought. Kenny whacked his shoulder, and Kyle jumped in surprise, looking back at them again.

‘’Oh, uh. Maybe send in someone to work for him in disguise, someone he doesn’t recognise,’’ Kyle said, looking at Stan.

‘’What? You mean me?’’ Stan asked. Kyle nodded.

‘’I doubt Craig hasn’t heard of us two by now. So we’d be a liability in there,’’ Kyle said.

‘’I may have threatened Craig a few times. I’m actually banned from their property, as of last year,’’ Kenny said.

‘’What did you do?’’ Stan asked, though he had an idea. Kenny chuckled.

‘’Well, I may have bribed his assistant into putting acid into his drink. His assistant freaked out and told Craig, and he stopped me from being allowed for social visits up there. And being there at all,’’ Kenny said.

‘’If you were smarter about your reasons for being there, you’d still have a chance of seeing that temptress you’re so obsessed with,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Hey, she’s no temptress, she’s a magnificent angel in heartache,‘’ Kenny said, holding his knife up to Kyle. Kyle looked unimpressed.

‘’A shame she’s not as enamoured as you, given her dedication to her previous commitments,’’ Kyle said, sneering.

‘’Hey, fuck you Broflovski. Why don’t I go and tell the world every secret about you, to the people who would likely freak out if they knew,‘’ Kenny said venomously. Stan detected the alcohol in his voice.

‘’Easy Kenny. Let’s not be horrible to each other right now,’’ Stan said. Kyle was staring at Kenny, his eyes narrowed. Stan saw his hands fisted on the table.

‘’Why don’t I go and get that device, and blow your mortuary to pieces with the equipment I sold you, right now,’’ Kyle said.

‘’You fucking psycho. You should be in an asylum,’’ Kenny said. Kyle seethed, and stood up from the table. Kenny stood up too. Stan knew he had to do something, this was falling apart before they even started.

‘’Hey!’’ Stan shouted sternly, standing up over both of them. They both shrank somewhat, losing their anger.

‘’This is not the time to fight. You guys have issues, so fucking what? We’ve got bigger problems right now. When we’re done, you can bitch and moan and blow each other up with your millions in your own time, okay? Now we need a plan, and we need to come up with it together, and fast. So let’s just focus on that, yeah?’’ Stan said loudly. They both sat down, Kenny huffing petulantly.

‘’Fine, Marsh. You’re the fuckin’ boss, apparently,‘’ Kenny muttered. Stan sat down again.

‘’Sorry, Stanley,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Stan is fine,’’ Stan said.

‘’Okay, Stan,’’ Kyle smiled. A heartthrob.

‘’I actually like the idea of going in under disguise, maybe following a few members around to see if there’s any shady shit going down we could exploit,’’ Kenny said, being productive for the first time since they came here.

‘’Huh, you actually agree with my plan. Who’d have thought?’’ Kyle said.

‘’Don’t get used to it,‘’ Kenny said.

‘’Guys,’’ Stan reprimanded.

‘’Sorry,’’ they both apologised.

Eventually, they did come up with a plan, along those lines, and agreed to proceed with it immediately. 

**

It was Stan’s duty first, so he made his way into town a week later, to the larger estate mansions bordering the city on the hills, and arrived at Mr Tucker’s estate.

The place was massive, an old brick manor sitting on acres of vacant land. The driveway up to the place was expansive, and on the way up, travelling with the rental car he hired for the job, Stan prepared himself for the plan. Best case scenario was he uncover enough from the manor to please Token, worst case was he get killed on site. Stan had arranged something of a meeting with Craig, to interview his campaign. As far as Craig was aware, Stan was a journalist, for a small newspaper that wanted to make it big. Essentially made up, but police work sometimes necessitated working undercover.

Waiting for him like an escort, was Craig’s estate household. Stan got out of the car and tried to walk up to them as calmly as he could. Usually this kind of work he preferred, and found easier than patrolling, but his guts were threatening him again, and he was terrified. It was only because of everything on the line if he failed. His balls were on the line here.

Stan found himself shaking hands with the tucker head of household, and his personal assistant. Stan immediately suspected the guy to be a heavy cocaine user, shaking and jittering like an addict. His neon blonde hair was a mess, and his fancy black suit was barely buttoned up properly. He started making mental notes. He didn’t believe such a high profile name would hire a man who could barely shake Stan’s hand without seeming like he’d rip his own hair out from the stress of the task.

‘’Um, hello. You will be the one to give me the tour?’’ Stan asked, watching warily as he groaned under his breath where he stood, blinking and tilting his head. Stan was actually concerned he needed mental help right now.

‘’Ungghh, ahh, yes. Follow me,’’ the assistant said, gesturing Stan forward. They walked past the rest of the group watching them enter the manor, Stan eying everyone to see if they had similar characteristic to drugs that the assistant did. They all looked serious, and pensive. Stan’s guard crept up even more.

‘’So, um- what’s your name? What is your role around here?’’ Stan asked as they trekked through the grand halls.

‘’It’s- gah, it’s Tweek. I’m Craig’s personal assistant, I help him run the house,’’ Tweek gasped out.

‘’So what kind of duties do you perform?’’ Stan asked.

‘’What are you asking me for?’’ Tweek asked, his voice rising to a panicked pitch. If Tweek didn’t look so drug addled, Stan would suspect he was hiding something by his response.

‘’Well, i’m a journalist. I want to know everything that goes on, even with the staff,’’ Stan said.

‘’Well, ung, I await the master of the house when he wakes up, to give him breakfast and the news of the house to brief. I stay by his side to fulfil his daily requirements, and any other orders he wants from me to do. Like bring you to him right now,’’ Tweek explained.

‘’So you’re pretty close to him, if you’re around him every day. Do you like your boss?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Oh jesus. He, gah, he pays me, I don’t have a choice,’’ Tweek said, twitching his shoulder while he tried to open the door at the end of the hall. Stan looked out at he pictures on display on the walls. Great dignified looking people sat on chairs in painted portraits, staring out at Stan with grim faces. On one, a stern balding man sat on a stool with a little blonde woman standing behind him, and on his lap, a very small smiling little girl with pigtails and a floundering dress that was much too poofy and elaborate for such a tiny and innocent looking child.

Tweek opened the door and waited for Stan to walk through. When he did, he was confronted with a large entertaining room with high ceilings and art pieces that called to mind old period design. Stan’s eyes wandered through the room as they entered, distracted by it’s intricacy, and large furnishings. He was finally drawn to the centre of the room, where one woman sat, dressed in a poofy white evening gown. She caught Stan’s gaze, and broke unto a smile and stood up, rushing over to them.

‘’You must be the journalist coming to see us today,’’ Stan got a closer look at her, once she approached him. She was essentially a child in woman’s gowns, her face so small and gentle that it looked like porcelain. She smiled kindly at Stan, her cheeks blushing pink attractively. Stan now understood why Kenny was so in love with her. Kenny would have a hard time not falling for her. And then he was more confused, because who was Lady Marjorine with right now?

‘’Hey, what have I told you about interfering with the household issues! You’re here to be seen, not heard,’’ a voice boomed from the other side of the room, slamming shut a door and walking towards the group. A tall thin man with striking black hair parted stylishly came over to them, sporting a toneless frown that unnerved Stan, grey eyes glaring straight at him. The one and only Craig Tucker, upholding all the fear of his name.

‘’I’m sorry, my lord,’’ Lady Marjorine apologised quietly, bowing her head and backing away.

‘’Know your place,’’ Craig said deeply, shooting Marjorine another look before looking back at him.

‘’Tweek, have you given him the rules yet?’’ Craig asked, sharply turning to Tweek. Tweek flinched and twitched.

‘’I, ah, no,’’ Tweek stammered, looking down. Craig sighed.

‘’Why is everyone in my life trying to destroy my patience? Okay, journalist, here are the rules. I do not answer questions I don’t want to answer, and you cannot write that I refused to answer them, or that you asked at all. You will only observe what I show you, and not look anywhere that I do not want you to look. Those are my terms, and if you breach them in any way, I have extreme measures to make sure you don’t see the light of day if I don’t want you to,’’ Craig said.

‘’Those are pretty intense terms. I just want to know about your business, and other stuff. That’s all,’’ Stan said. Craig narrowed his eyes at Stan, and Stan returned a hard stare, hoping to show that he was serious, not freaking out, and intimidated by this high figure in society.

‘’Hmm. Well c’mon then, if you’re so interested in trading,’’ Craig said, turning away and walking through the room to the door which he came. Stan followed, glancing at Marjorine as he went past her. She looked down submissively, not making eye contact with him at all. Stan felt bad for her, anyone who had Craig as a husband really.

Tweek followed Stan’s tail as he was led by Craig through each room and was explained it’s history, and it’s purpose now for the business. Stan found it all boring, but he nodded respectfully and tried to notice anything not up to code, or suspicious. Everything felt weird, the looks he received from the household staff as they were guided through the part of the mansion that served for trading stocks from other companies. Stan tried to see what they were packing in specialised boxes in one floor, and the people packing them gave him dirty glares. They looked like homeless people, but the job wasn’t exactly served for people who expected high wages, Stan assumed.

Craig stopped short in another large rumpus room, at the door, and stared at Stan expectantly.

‘’That is the tour, thank you for not speaking up as much as they usually do. Please don’t come back, good day,’’ Craig said, and Stan widened his eyes in surprise.

‘’What? That’s it? I know they’re way more rooms than that in this house, you’ve barely shown me anything,’’ Stan said, turning around to Tweek as though he would explain this. Tweek was no help, just looked at Stan with a wide-eyed expression, twitching again. Stan wondered if he should bring that up to use against Craig, and his weird suspicious house and it’s employees.

‘’The rest of the house is for staff. That’s not appropriate to show a reporter, so good bye, it’s been a waste of time as usual,’’ Craig said, waving Stan off and getting Tweek to open the door. Stan’s rental car was waiting for him outside, he could see it from the doorway.

‘’Um, okay,’’ Stan said slowly, as he was basically pushed out of the door, and it was shut on his back. Stan stood there for a few seconds, trying to comprehend everything that happened in that small hour. He barely had any information to go off, and he couldn’t go back to Kenny and Kyle looking like a dumbass who couldn’t retrieve anything, or even do his job properly. He was being emasculated enough by those millionaires.

Stan was walking out back to the rental car, when he glanced back at the manor. No one was seeing him off, apparently trusting him to drive off the property immediately when told. He changed direction and headed back towards the house, but not to the door. He snuck around to the nearest window to that last room there were in, and peered in, hoping to see something that could give him a head start on what to look for next. The party was still in that room, but Stan couldn’t make out a word they were saying.  
Unsatisfied with this, he moved around to the next few window, trying to get closer to them. The nearest window to where Craig and Tweek were standing, Stan peered in, and at inspecting the glass, grinning to himself when he saw a hatch from the outside. He slowly and delicately turned the hatch to let the window creep open a minuscule bit, and kept watching, listening to their conversation with intent ears.

‘’Jesus, that was so much pressure. How do you stay calm like that to them? Who knows what kind of secrets they know?’’ Tweek said, spazzing in place, while trying to stand up straight. Craig had a glass of what looked like brandy, sipping delicately while he peered at Tweek from over the glass.

‘’I know he thinks he knows things. Those media bastards will never be content until they know everything. I just give them their little hurrah over this tour, but it means jackshit. They’re all puppets for Black,’’ Craig said. 

‘’And you really don’t care about them, if they published anything about you?’’ Tweek asked. 

‘’Tweek, I couldn’t care less if they put in headlines that I fuck pigs and wear fucking dresses. Only pathetic people read that garbage,’’ Craig said. Stan found that very helpful, so now they wouldn’t use controversy to stain his image, if he didn’t care about it to begin with. Maybe Kenny was right, they’d just have to kill the bastard. Tweek made a strangled noise in his throat at Craig’s words, and Craig grabbed his wrists when he flinched away. Stan watched, hypnotised.

Craig leaned closer to Tweek, still holding his wrists in place as Tweek squirmed and turned his head to the side.

‘’And you don’t believe that stuff they say on the newspaper- do you?’’ Craig stared at Tweek menacingly. Stan sweared he nearly shit himself when Tweek turned back to Craig and leaned in to kiss him on the lips. They opened their mouths and kissed harder, with tongues, and Stan watched in shock. Craig forced Tweek back onto the wall, pinning him while he quickly unbuckled Tweek’s pants. Stan was bright red, but he couldn’t look away, too horrified and confused to back away. 

What the actual fuck.

Stan’s eyes bulged out as he saw Craig, in all his stoic and serious dignity, drop to the floor and start sucking Tweek’s dick with ferocity, Tweek gasping and grabbing Craig’s shoulders with claw-like intensity, and melting onto the floor as Craig continued. They kissed again, and Stan no longer wished to be present. He felt like he knew where they were going anyway. But the actual fact of what he saw. Craig, the man married to Lady Marjorine, was having an affair with his assistant. His male assistant.

Kenny would have a field day.


	5. Have you ever been in love?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one is shorter, but I thought it deserved it's own chapter anyway.

Stan felt like he was dreaming once he’d recovered enough to be able to drive home. Technically, he was supposed to be meeting with Kenny and Kyle to report his findings, but he honestly had no idea what he’d seen, and didn’t think he’d be able to explain it if he did. He just had to be alone and think for awhile, he found his partners company to be a circus at times, and he couldn’t exactly deal with that right now.

When he got home and collapsed on his sofa in his apartment, he was so mentally exhausted that he didn’t even hear the door knocking, and when he did, he intended to not answer. Of course, he should have anticipated that he changed his mind immediately when he heard Kyle’s voice through the door.

‘’Stan? Are you home?’’ Kyle called from outside, and Stan leapt up in a hurry, looking around in split seconds to see if his living room was clean enough. It wasn’t, he lived alone, but there was nothing he could do about it now.

Stan flew to the door and pulled it open, regaining his breath. Kyle was standing there, looking up at him with those goddamn eyes. Stan would need goggles on to save his eyes from the blinding glimmer of those goddamn insane eyes, and he never got used to it.

‘’Hi! Uh, how did you know I lived here?’’ Stan asked. Kyle looked down, chuckling softly, then glanced up at Stan again. The goddamn boner returned, life always hated Stan to actually be cool for once when he really needed it.

‘’I, um, looked you up. It’s best to know who i’m working with. So I know you’re not a spy or some shit,’’ Kyle said. He was still wearing his work clothes, the long gloves and short sleeves, and the goggles perched in his hair. Stan looked him over multiple times.

‘’Oh, kay. So what- uh, brings you here?’’ Stan asked, awkwardly standing in the doorway.

‘’Oh, well I wanted a report on what you found today. You did go to Tucker’s estate like planned, correct?’’ Kyle asked. Stan nodded, shuddering when he pictured Craig and Tweek again. It’s not as though the act itself was so disgusting, but the fact of who they were, the weight behind the controversial secret, made it unbearable to know about.

‘’So what did you find? Was there anything out of the ordinary? Actually, don’t say it yet, invite me in first, and then we’ll have a more private place to talk,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Oh, right, sorry. Come in, please,’’ Stan said, hating the way he said please, like he was begging. Kyle smirked at him as he slid past into the living room. And again, Kyle was too good at this, he was playing another game entirely. Stan followed him and they both took a seat on his couch. Kyle glanced around the room, nodding.

‘’So, yeah. This is my place,’’ Stan said, staring around the place like it was the first time he’d seen it. It felt like it was, with Kyle sitting here.

‘’It’s nice. Now tell me what happened- I care nothing for social bullshit before people get to the point,’’ Kyle said. Stan couldn’t help himself feel in awe of his brutal straightforward attitude, and wanted more.

‘’Okay, um. So Craig gave me a tour- a ridiculously short one actually. Something was seriously wrong with that place,’’ Stan said, thinking that part over again. It was painfully obvious something was being hidden, but Stan doubted it was only Craig sucking Tweek’s cock. That was probably a nice present on the side of controversy.

‘’Really? What did he show you on the tour?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Just the front lines of his business, and some of his employees. And I met Lady Marjorine,’’ Stan said. Kyle laughed.

‘’Oh I see, so you understand why Kenny’s ego is at risk,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Why are you so harsh about him being in love?’’ Stan asked, actually curious about this.

‘’Oh it’s not that, I just find Marjorine tedious. She bats her eyelashes and acts like a victim, and Kenny acts like a radical dumbass for a few days, trying to ‘save’ her. Every-time he sees her he goes crazy and proceeds to threaten me to make him a kidnapping gadget. It gets old, seriously,’’ Kyle said.

‘’So how long have you known Kenny? You guys act like brothers who fight all the time,’’ Stan said.

‘’Ha, yeah, well. I’ve known him about 5 years now. Bickering brothers is accurate. But back to the mission. Did you see anything suspicious about Craig himself?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’Shit, um, yeah actually. So have you met him before?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Yeah, I sell him guns, for the security of his trading centres. The guy’s an intense robot, and he’s got his head up the ass of his assistant. I mean, obviously they’re fucking,’’ Kyle said, shrugging as though this wasn’t a big deal, and Stan sputtered.

‘’Have- have you seen this?’’ Stan asked, alert.

‘’No, but you can definitely tell. I mean, he pays more attention staring at Tweek than his wife, the clever minx that makes a certain mortician want to murder,’’ Kyle said.

‘’That’s so crazy, I thought you’d never believe that I spied on Craig making out with Tweek when I was supposed to leave,’’ Stan said. Kyle widened his eyes at Stan, then burst out laughing. Stan watched him in surprise.

‘’Seriously? You actually saw them? Lucky bitch, they’re meticulous in keeping it secret. I doubt Marjorine even knows,’’ Kyle said, beaming at Stan. Stan sighed, and let his boner come on, resigned to it. He obviously couldn’t stay in a room with him without making an ass of himself, so he was stuck with making an ass of himself, because there was no way in hell he would kick Kyle out.

‘’Yeah, well, lucky me. It’s not a pretty sight,’’ Stan said.

‘’How so?’’ Kyle asked, looking intently at Stan.

‘’Well, uh, they’re two guys. Craig is not the most passionate person I’ve met, and Tweek is a literal ball of crack. The combination must be dysfunctional, somehow. I don’t understand it,’’ Stan said, shrugging.

‘’I understand it,’’ Kyle said.

‘’You do? Could you explain it to me?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Yes. Craig is what you’d call a dominant personality. He takes what he wants, is in charge in all matters, and gets off on it. Tweek is the opposite. He craves leadership, wants to be looked after, and finds comfort in being submissive. Thereby, Craig fucks Tweek in the ass, and they both get what they desire,’’ Kyle said. Stan sputtered at the terminology, though he was completely aware of how it worked, even with males.

‘’Jesus,’’ Stan muttered, looking down at his ratty wooden coffee table. It had stains of drinks from years ago, when Stan still had friends. 

‘’I’m nothing like that,’’ Kyle said after a while of silence. Stan looked up in surprise, to find Kyle’s face burning red.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked.

‘’I mean, obviously there's a certain sense of curiosity and powerful longing being a bottom. But I’d sooner sell my empire than be considered submissive. Fuck that. The construct of weakness with penetration is a lie’’ Kyle said. Stan’s eyes were wider than his mouth, and he surely looked like a fool. Kyle glanced back at him, and laughed when he saw Stan’s face.

‘’What’s that face for? Are you honestly so surprised?’’ Kyle said, amused. Stan clamped his mouth shut, embarrassed, but mostly still shocked.

‘’Well, uh, yeah,’’ Stan said, unable to come up with anything else. Kyle slumped his posture, and sighed.

‘’There you go then. Now you know,’’ Kyle said, looking away again. Stan had so many questions, but he sensed Kyle wouldn’t be willing to discuss them.

‘’That’s okay. I’m cool with it, and all,’’ Stan said, wincing at how lame that sounded. Kyle was frowning, now staring at Stan with narrowed eyes, like he was studying him.

‘’Uh-.’’

‘’Hmm, nothing. Just very interesting,’’ Kyle said. Stan was flustered, wasn’t sure what was going on. He was meant to be better than this.

‘’Right, well. So, the only thing I found out was the affair thing, other than that, they were just very secretive,’’ Stan said.

‘’And that’s not enough to topple an empire. It would’ve happened by now if it could,’’ Kyle surmised.

‘’Does Kenny know about it?’’ Stan asked. Kyle scoffed.

‘’As if. The dude would have gone on a killing spree on the Tucker’s if he knew. He seems to think Marjorine is too precious to be cheated on, even if the marriage is arranged. I think its bullshit,’’ Kyle said.

‘’That’s what love does to people,’’ Stan said, speaking from experience. Kyle smiled.

‘’Have you ever been in love, Stan?’’ Kyle asked. Stan blushed.

‘’Well, yeah, of course,’’ Stan said.

‘’And how do you act when you’re in love? Unless you’re like Kenny,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Um, I tend to just embarrass myself, and it’s as though my body can’t handle the pressure of the feeling and goes into autopilot. Unfortunately my autopilot is controlled by a drunken monkey or something,’’ Stan admitted. Why was he saying this? Because Kyle asked, of course, Stan would tell him anything he wanted to know.

‘’It’s different with me. I become a crazed, maniacal supervillain. I plot stupid brilliant acts to somehow win someone in a hilariously complicated fashion. It rarely works, but then again, it hasn’t happened at all before, so I can’t really compare,’’ Kyle said. Stan nodded, but he couldn’t relate, to- that.

‘’Have you still got your gun?’’ Kyle asked after another silence.

‘’Yeah, why?’’ Stan asked, reaching over to the end table where he had his gun belt, with his revolver attached. He pulled it out, and Kyle took it from his hands. He undid the cover, where Stan remembered he’d inserted a hidden bomb into its mechanics. Kyle held it closer, and grabbed a pen from the coffee table that was left there, fiddling around with the bomb using the tip. Stan heard a pop, and a tiny brown device fell out into Kyle’s lap. He picked it up, holding it up for Stan to see and handing back his revolver.

‘’There you go. You won’t have to worry if I go crazy one day. Now, you’ve just got a boring old gun with a master design,’’ Kyle smiled. Stan looked over his gun, amazed, but mostly with the meaning behind it.

‘’But why? Isn’t it safer, to have security? That’s why you put them in in the first place, right?’’ Stan wondered. Kyle shrugged.

‘’As far as sentiment goes, I don’t think I could live with myself if my own design got you killed, even on accident. Especially then,’’ Kyle said, Stan was overwhelmingly flattered.

‘’Thank you,’’ Stan said, looking back at the revolver. It really was master crafted, the intricate designs that Stan could barely describe.

‘’You don’t strike me as someone who’d turn on their friends and allies, so I think I can trust you to have this,’’ Kyle said, handing Stan the tiny bomb device he’d extracted. ‘’You can attach that to anything metal, it has a magnetic clip, and either wait for me to remotely detonate, or press that little button there, and it’ll automatically go off in a five minute period’’ Kyle explained. Stan took it, amazed at its small size, it was smaller than his palm. He looked back at Kyle in awe, Kyle was staring at him, a smile tugging the corner of his lips.

‘’What did Kenny say to convince you to join us?’’ Stan asked, and he’s not sure why that question seemed to follow, but he couldn’t deny he was burning with curiosity. Kyle blushed, his cheeks burning red.

‘’Oh, nothing. He just said he’d help me get some new equipment from a dealer of his that wouldn’t do it for me,’’ Kyle said, shrugging, but his face was still red, and Stan hadn’t been a constable without learning how to pick up when someone was lying, and Kyle seemed to be a terrible liar.

‘’We both know that’s a lie. I don’t even know why you’re doing this, that’s all. I feel like teams should know each other, trust each other enough to tell the truth,’’ Stan said. Kyle shook his head.

‘’Trust me, Stan. Some things are better as secrets,’’ Kyle said, fiddling with the pen in his hands. Stan sighed.

‘’I guess you’re right. I don’t even know why I’m doing this,’’ Stan said quietly. Kyle hummed, and Stan fell upon his gaze again. Was Kyle always that close to his face, or was Stan hallucinating?

‘’If you gave this mission up, right now, what would you do? Where would that leave us?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’I wouldn’t give up the friends I’ve made. As you can see from my lonely ass apartment, I could use some more,’’ Stan said, trying to make a joke out of it. Kyle smiled thinly.

‘’I don’t need friends. I need something that only one person can give me, and unfortunately, it’s currently out of the question,’’ Kyle said, breathing heavier. Stan could feel his breath on his cheek. His heart was pounding so fucking hard, he was scared it would rip straight out of his chest.

‘’Why is it out of the question?’’ Stan asked. Kyle smirked.

‘’Because he needs to finish his mission,’’ Kyle said. Kyle got up from the couch, away from Stan’s blazing, shocked face, and towards the front door. Stan watched after him, frozen in place.

‘’I’ll contact Kenny to organise another meeting, to further our plan with this new information. I’ll call you when we figure something out,’’ Kyle said, promptly opening the door and walking out, letting it shut behind him. Stan stared at the door, his brain trying to pick the pieces of an explosion that happened at some point during that conversation. Then he just let it go, it would take years to reorganise himself anyway.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> More to come, hold tight...


	6. On the clock

Stan was reading the front page news in the morning when he got the call. The newspaper screamed out in black ink that Craig Tucker had officially announced his campaign for Prime Minister, having rushed an interview the day before detailing his whole fight against Token Black. Stan picked up the phone, putting it to his ear carefully, while he tried to place the importance of the news in regard to the mission. His skin crawled when he heard who was through the line.

‘’Detective Marsh. You have failed. I warned you what would happen if you failed,’’ Prime Minister Black announced through the phone, his regal voice like cold nails against Stan’s back. Stan swallowed, shaking out a breath.

‘’Sir, please. I’ve been working on it, we’re so close to finding something. Just give me more time,’’ Stan said, very much begging. He was not about to get his balls ripped off by Lady Wendy, he would probably even resort to sucking the PM’s dick if need be. He was desperate.

‘’It’s been over a month, and Mr Tucker has announced his campaign. Your job was to stop that, at all costs. You’ve stretched my patience too far now. And now you pay,’’ Mr Black said dangerously. Stan held his head, trying to rake his brain together.

‘’I know you think I’ve been useless so far, but I’ve achieved more this way than any of your thugs would’ve. Mr Tucker has even allowed me into his estate for a tour. It’s a step that with a bit more work, I can get in there and find more undercover than anyone else. I’ve even assembled a team. They know what they’re doing. Please, just give me more time, I promise I can give you results that matter,’’ Stan said.

‘’I’m sorry Marsh, but I can’t rest my title on your promises. You will present yourself at my estate, and report your findings, and if you have nothing, I will resort to drastic measures. Report to us by tomorrow. You don’t want us to get someone to bring you in,’’ Token warned.

‘’Okay. Thank you, Mr Black,’’ Stan said, closing his eyes and breathing out.

‘’It’s Sir to you,’’ Token said, before hanging up and leaving Stan on the other line. Stan put the phone back down on its holder, and collapsed against his couch.

‘’Fuck,’’ Stan muttered to himself, putting the newspaper over his face. He’d barely discovered enough to satisfy the PM, and now he had to present himself with only the trite gossip of Tucker’s buggery, which wouldn’t even matter when it came to big issues that mattered in elections. And now Stan only had a day to figure out how to stay alive before he goes to the Black estate. Stan sat back up, picking up the phone and dialling in Kenny’s number.

Stan sat there, waiting for the other line to pick up, and when it did they was scuffling on the other line.

‘’Kenny? It’s Stan,’’ Stan said through the line. There was coughing, and whispers. Kenny must have been talking to himself or something.

‘’Stan. Yes, Stan. I know you. What’s up?’’ Kenny said, a crackling was heard through the phone.

‘’Your line isn’t very good, it’s breaking up a bit,’’ Stan said. These phones ran on electric sparks, lines that travelled through the whole city and was utilised by all those higher than lower class. They were the leading forefront of communication, and made by, surprise surprise- Kyle Broflovski.

‘’Sorry. I was just in bed. These things don’t work well in certain areas. Hang on a sec,’’ Kenny said, and Stan heard more rustling, some cursing and Kenny’s voice again.

‘’You know this isn’t grand timing on your part. I’m a man, okay. I have needs,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Aww, sick. Kenny, don’t tell me,’’ Stan said, pinching the bridge of his nose.

‘’I warned you. Now what’s up, surely you didn’t call to get the latest gossip on my life,’’ Kenny said.

‘’The PM- Token Black, he called me. We’re seriously running out of time. I need you and Kyle over here, like right now. We’ve got to figure this shit out by tomorrow, or my head is being served at Token’s next luncheon,’’ Stan said, quickly, now panicking even more.

‘’Shit, okay. I’ll call Kyle. Hang tight, man,’’ Kenny said, hanging up. Stan put the phone back down, groaning and falling back into the couch. Shit was getting more real than he’d ever realised it could, and it was scary. He might not be coming home tomorrow. Why the fuck did he agree to be a private detective?

Half an hour later, Kenny and Kyle arrived on Stan’s doorstep, looking grim and serious. Stan opened the door and let them in, too frazzled to care that his house wasn’t its cleanest right now. Stan nodded to Kyle when they passed, getting a nod in return. Stan tried not to think about the last encounter they had in this apartment, it wasn’t the time to go soul searching.

‘’Hey guys. Thanks for coming,’’ Stan said, as Kenny took a seat on the couch, and Kyle followed. Stan walked over and sat on the opposite seat.

‘’You sounded super worried over the phone, what’s going on?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’Token Black contacted me this morning, saying I’ve run out of time. He wants me to meet him tomorrow, and if I don’t have any results for him, I’m good as good as a slave, or dead. I’ve got jackshit, I couldn’t find out anything of worth when I went over to the estate, except that they seemed to be hiding something sinister. I don’t even know, maybe I’m just hoping. But I’ve got nothing, and I can’t organise another appointment with Tucker this short notice,’’ Stan professed, laying out the cold truth to them. He’d may as well tell them to fuck off now, since the mission may as well be over. Kyle was frowning, his hand on his chin.

‘’Fuck, well that’s bad. Shit Stan, what now?’’ Kenny wondered, rubbing his hand through his hair. Stan sighed, shrugging in defeat.

‘’I think I’m fucked, that’s what,’’ Stan said, looking down.

‘’You know what Stan?’’ Kyle said, making Stan look back up. Kyle had his eyebrows creased, like he was still deep in thought, but his eyes were trained on Stan.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked. Kyle got up from the couch, walking over to the kitchen. Stan watched him with confusion. Kyle opened a cupboard on the wall, taking out one of the glasses used for whiskey. He stared at Stan, walking back over with the glass in his hand, and threw the glass onto the hardwood floor, smashing it into shards all over the ground.

‘’Woah!’’ Kenny shouted.

‘’Dude, what the fuck!’’ Stan exclaimed, standing up. Kyle shot his focus back at him, anger sharp in his eyes. He walked through the glass towards Stan, pointing at him.

‘’Fuck you, Stan! You cannot honestly be giving up right now. You’ve tried one thing, and it didn’t fucking work. So what? The first time always fails. It’s time to get fucking serious now, and you haven’t done that,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Why did you smash my glass?’’ Stan asked angrily.

‘’Fuck you, that’s why! You may as well burn this place down if you honestly can’t think of anything else. This is your fucking freedom we’re talking about, and your only solution is ask Craig Fucker nicely? Fuck you. You need to get physical, use some fucking force to get what you want. Do you honestly think I got where I am being respectful and nice to everyone? Fuck no! I had to fuck over so many people, and so did Kenny! So get off your ass and take charge like a fucking man, before I come over there and make you. And you better believe I fucking will!’’ Kyle yelled. Stan stared at him, watching him breathe out in angry huffs, holding his hips, waiting for Stan.

‘’You’re scary, dude,’’ Kenny said quietly from the couch, holding himself tightly. Stan blinked rapidly.

‘’You want me to be physical? I really don’t think going over there with my fists raised is gonna be helpful to anyone,’’ Stan said. Kyle rolled his eyes.

‘’I’m just saying, you can try and change your tactic before you crawl into a hole and cry about how you’re going to die. We’re here to help you, Stan, but honestly, we’re just twiddling our thumbs here and waiting for you to act like a leader and give us something useful to do,’’ Kyle said.

‘’I have to agree with Kyle here, so far all I’ve done is get drunk with you guys, and suggest Kyle to Stan when we met. That’s not going to end Craig’s reign,’’ Kenny said. Stan opened his mouth, about to deny what they said, but it was true. Stan sighed, and collapsed back into his seat, groaning and rubbing his hands over his eyes.

‘’Okay, so what do I do?’’ Stan asked, his hands still over his eyes. Kyle huffed.

‘’Well, I suggest we start talking seriously about a proper plan, not to uncover information, that’s a pointless quest. So you need something that you can show or tell Token tomorrow, to prove to him that you’re on top of this mission, so he doesn’t slave your ass into oblivion. You don’t have to solve everything, we just need evidence that shifty shit is going down. And I think I know where we need to look,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Where?’’ Stan asked, leaning forward in his seat.

‘’One of Tucker’s largest trading facilities, on River Thames, is their go-to export centre for overseas shipments. If they had anything going on, it would be there,’’ Kyle said.

‘’That place would be busting with workers and guards. There’s no way we could get close enough into the heart of the centre for any proper evidence,’’ Stan said.

‘’We’d need help, first of all. And fast. I don’t think we have the strength with just the three of us to infiltrate the place and actually get through. Craig is serious with his business, I’ve sold him the guns, he doesn’t take pissy revolvers, he goes all out on the best,’’ Kyle said.

‘’If I may interject,’’ Kenny said, holding his finger up. Stan turned to him. ‘’I think we need someone with a specialty in this physical area. Someone who knows about guns and espionage in a way even Stan here doesn’t. And I think I know just the man who can do this,’’ Kenny announced. Kyle was staring at him, confused, but then he seemed to have an understanding and widened his eyes.

‘’No!’’ Kyle shouted, hitting the couch with his fist.

‘’I don’t think we have a choice Kyle,’’ Kenny said. Kyle seethed.

‘’No! I refuse! Anybody else!’’ Kyle exclaimed.

‘’Huh? Who are you talking about?’’ Stan asked. Kyle’s face was bright red with anger, seething at Kenny, who was shrugging.

‘’Dude, he’s not that bad. We need him right now. Just suck in your pride, for fucks sake,’’ Kenny said. Kyle turned away from him, growling.

‘’Who is this?’’ Stan asked again. Kyle stood up, walking over the glass shards again in his boots, and going back to the kitchen. Stan honestly thought he was going to smash another glass when he retrieved another from the cupboard, but he just took it and filled it to the brim with the whiskey Stan kept on the counter. And to Stan’s amazement, Kyle drank the entire glass in one go, setting it back down hard on the counter with a huff, shaking his head.

‘’Goddamn Eric fucking Cartman,’’ Kyle spat, holding the glass down and scowling at it. Stan had no idea who that was, but Kyle’s opinion of him seemed abysmal. Stan didn’t know what to think.

‘’He’s good at his job, Kyle. Let’s face it, we need him right now,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Who is Eric Cartman?’’ Stan asked Kenny, figuring Kyle wouldn’t respond without throwing something.

‘’He’s a fat, intolerant piece of shit, is what he is,’’ Kyle said. Kenny shook his head.

‘’He’s also a mercenary, one of the best in England, but he talks high game. I met him when I asked him to assassinate Craig a few years back,’’ Kenny said.

‘’The useless pig couldn’t even do that,’’ Kyle said with a scowl. That made Kenny smirk.

‘’And Kyle has known him since they were kids. They went to the same school,’’ Kenny announced, obviously amused by that idea. Stan was surprised, but mostly because he couldn’t imagine Kyle being young, going to school. It was so not the time to think about it though.

‘’That was the most miserable time of my life, and I’ve been happier ever since I didn’t have to see that fat bitch anymore. And I’d like to keep it that way. Surely there’s another arms expert we can consult on short notice,’’ Kyle said, looking queasy with dread, like he already knew the answer to the question.

‘’I don’t think we have a choice. C’mon Kyle, do it for Stan,’’ Kenny said. Stan shifted his gaze to Kenny, admonishing him for that, but Kenny seemed totally serious. Kyle groaned.

‘’God fucking dammit, fine!’’ Kyle said, coming back over.

‘’Will he be able to help us today, on such short notice?’’ Stan wondered, trying to sort out what the hell they were doing. Right, fucking shit up, physically now. Because talking apparently didn’t work. Stan wasn’t the biggest fan of violence in general, but when it was necessary, he rose to the call. And it seemed to be pretty fucking necessary now, with such a tight time limit. 24 hours to save Stan’s freedom, basically.

‘’We’ll make it worth his while,’’ Kenny said, winking. Stan had no idea, but trusted him so far, and nodded.

‘’Let’s get to it then,’’ Stan said.

**

Heading together to the downtown suburbs, they arrived at the location Kenny advised to find Cartman. It was a bar, surrounded by dank alleys and dark stares from strangers, and illuminated only by soft glowing from the stained glass windows. The whole place seemed very private and closed off, not for the merry traveller who needed a drink. Stan felt like this was the underbelly he’d been sheltered away from on his first few years on the force. He’s since grown, seeing the real world, as this. Dark pubs in abandoned areas, the perfect place for criminals to mingle, and for the occasional drunken bar fight and shanking. This was the kind of place the police would be tracking constantly, if they knew it existed. Stan certainly didn’t, having never been in this surprisingly well concealed patch between abandoned buildings and warehouses only occupied by rats.

‘’So, here it is. As long as we can find Cartman in here. If he’s not, we’ll scrape together some other dude willing. No doubt they’ll be a few. This is mercenary hideout heaven,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I didn’t think you were so knowledgeable about seedy locations Kenny. Has your lust turned you back to the dark side?’’ Kyle asked, observing the building. Kenny scoffed.

‘’I knew my shit before Marj, I just happen to have reason to use my knowledge now. Is that so bad, you hypocrite?’’ Kenny asked. Kyle scowled, turning red.

‘’Fuck off. You know I’m just pissed off you’ve forced me to converse with this living wanker,’’ Kyle said. Kenny harrumphed, turning back to look at the building.

‘’Okay, are we gonna just stare at this place, or are we going in?’’ Stan asked, feeling impatient. These two didn’t have much to lose if they failed, but Stan had fuck load to lose, and he’d rather they get this over with. He felt like he was passing a test every time he met a new partner for his makeshift team of misfits. He just hoped this guy was going to make a difference, because they were running out of time.

‘’Pray for our souls,’’ Kyle muttered, as they all entered the establishment, and were confronted with the inside. The place was dark and run down, and as soon as they walked in, everyone stopped and stared at them, as though they were constables, which Stan felt like was blearing in ink on his forehead. Kenny coughed, and continued forward, and everyone went back to normal and looked away again. Kenny nodded for them to continue forward, and Stan and Kyle followed him as he approached the bar. A large, scowling man, with multiple scars on his hulking arms was cleaning a glass as Kenny came up to him, leaning against it casually.

‘’Whiskey, neat,’’ Kenny said, not turning to the bartender as he ordered. The bartender narrowed his eyes, regarding Stan and Kyle, and went to fetch Kenny his drink. Stan turned back to the rest of the bar, trying to note everyone here, for observations sake. They mostly consisted of crusty old men, scowling and drinking, some playing cards on the tables littered around the place. There were dirty looking booths around the edges of the main room, but the place wasn’t very packed.

‘’Just be casual. Jesus Kyle, at least look like you’re not being held at gun point,’’ Kenny whispered. Kyle shot him a look.

‘’It wasn’t my decision to be here. It’s not my fault my body is dreading the future interaction with the lard,’’ Kyle hissed back.

‘’Which one is he?’’ Stan asked Kenny, peering back at the tables of guys, trying to find someone young, since they apparently went to school with Kyle. Stan was feeling a little jealous about that now, but Kyle was a higher class, he probably attended private school someplace fancy. Which only begged the question, why was a guy who went to a fancy private school, now a mercenary?

It didn’t take long for Stan to learn.

‘’You’ll see,’’ Kenny whispered back, just as the bartender returned with his drink. Kenny winked at him, and he frowned.

‘’Hey, Conners, is the dog in today?’’ Kenny asked casually, smoothly sipping his whiskey. The bartender narrowed his eyes again at Kenny, who didn’t flinch or falter. Stan was impressed. He would’ve stammered like a bitch in his shoes.

‘’He’s out back. He’s not in the mood for visitors right now though,’’ The bartender warned. Kenny waved him off.

‘’Don’t worry. We’re not visiting. Working,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Hmm. Alright. You know where to go,’’ The bartender said, nodding them off towards the back, where Stan noticed a door beside the bar, painted the same colour as the walls, hard to place unless you were trained to notice minor details like slight lines in the walls. Which Stan was.

Kenny led Stan and Kyle to the door, opening it subtly, nodding to the bartender once more and walking through, shutting it behind them. They were presented with a long dark hallway, only lit by candles on accent tables on the walls, with rows of closed doors lining each side of the hallway.

‘’Which one is he in?’’ Stan wondered as they walked forward.

‘’In the best room, like always,’’ Kenny said, walking ahead. Stan darted glances at Kyle, who still looked pissed off by the whole procession, huffing as they walked, and small scowl lingering on his lips. Stan looked away again, embarrassed for concentrating in the wrong place too much. Kyle’s lips, even angry, they looked so soft. Okay, no. Focus.

They made it to the end of the long hallway, approaching a door bigger than all the others, with gold handles instead of wood. Kenny approached the door, knocked twice, and backed away. There was no sound for a few seconds, and then breaking the silence was a squeak of the door turning. Only it didn’t open, it was a little sleeve at eye level, sliding open, with a pair of angry brown eyes peering back at them. They looked at Kenny, then Stan and Kyle. They widened when they look at Kyle, a laugh was heard through the slot.

‘’Well, well, well. Couldn’t stay away, could you Kahl?’’ The voice sang, a surprisingly whiny pitch. Kyle breathed in, holding his composure.

‘’Not on your life, fatass,’’ Kyle replied. Kenny elbowed him.

‘’Dude, we need to talk,’’ Kenny said. Cartman turned his focus back to Kenny.

‘’I’m busy. Unless you’ve got an offering worth my time, get the fuck out of my building,’’ Cartman said.

‘’Maybe we do. Let us in, and you’ll find out. Don’t, and know you’ve missed out on one of the best opportunities of your life,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I’m not as desperate as you think Kenny. I’ve got standards, something you boners don’t. I will let you in though, if Kahl does something for me in return,’’ Cartman said, smiling evilly in his eyes. Kyle laughed derisively.

‘’You’re fucking dreaming Fatass. There’s plenty of mercenary’s out there willing to help us, if you’re too stupid to accept our offer,’’ Kyle said, crossing his arms.

‘’I’ll let you in, for five special orders of your finest,’’ Cartman said. Kyle guffawed.

‘’You want my guns? Is that it? Jesus, you’re so goddamn cheap,’’ Kyle said, rolling his eyes.

‘’Five special orders,’’ Cartman said.

‘’One special order,’’ Kyle countered, narrowing his eyes.

‘’Three special orders,’’ Cartman haggled.

‘’Two,’’ Kyle replied.

‘’You’re breaking my balls Kahl. Kahl, c’mon,’’ Cartman said. Kyle groaned.

‘’Two special orders and a fucking combo. Final offer,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Deal. And to say Jew’s are the ultimate bargainers,’’ Cartman laughed, unlatching the door. Kyle growled in his throat.

‘’Shut your fucking face,’’ Kyle said angrily. Stan had never seen him this unravelled. He must have had a pretty rough history with Cartman. And upon seeing him, Stan completely understood.

Cartman was huge, not only in weight, but height and girth. He had light brown hair, that was obstructed by a squarish pair of plane goggles on his head. He was wearing a sleeveless brown vest with a white undershirt, and a dark yellow tie. He had belts and wrist braces that screamed ruffian. Cartman was smoking a big cigar, coolly inviting them into the large room with a desk in the centre. It just looked like an office. His expression seemed milky and calm, like a businessman, but Stan could see something underneath it. He was bullshitting them, absolutely.

Cartman sat down behind the large office desk, latching his hands together and regarding the three of them with a neutral face.

‘’What is the pleasure, my friend Kyle, and my vagabond friend Kenny. And this- butthole. Who the hell are you?’’ Cartman asked, looking at Stan.

‘’This is Stan. He’s part of our current mission, and try not to be a total dickhead, if you want to get paid for what we’re offering,’’ Kyle said. Cartman sneered at him.

‘’So what are you gentlemen offering? In exchange for my silence with this delicate little butthole?’’ Cartman said. Stan stepped up, tired of following Kyle and Kenny’s lead. This was his mission, and he needed to take charge, finally.

‘’Okay, asshole. We’re offering you paid work, for you to carry out today, alongside us. We are infiltrating Craig Tucker’s primary trading centre, to find evidence for their potentially illegal operations, in regard to the upcoming elections for Prime Minister. You would be working in espionage, to get us in and out of there, without casualties,’’ Stan said. Cartman stared at him, his hands still latched together.

‘’Mmm hmm. And what would you be paying me, for this job?’’ Cartman asked. Stan turned back to Kenny and Kyle. They’d agreed earlier on something, that apparently, would spark Cartman’s interest more than money.

‘’Stan is working for Prime Minister Token Black. As you know, his wife is the esteemed Lady Wendy. We’re offering for you to have the chance to meet her, where you can seduce her to your heart’s desire,’’ Kenny said. Cartman raised his eyebrows, not looking completely against that idea.

‘’I know you liked her at school,’’ Kyle added, surprising Stan. Kyle went to school with Lady Wendy? Cartman glared at him.

‘’That was animal hatred, Kahl. God, you assholes are such fags,’’ Cartman said, rolling his eyes.

‘’So what do you say?’’ Stan asked. Cartman was staring out, scowling at the wall in his grand swivel chair. He groaned.

‘’Fine. But we’re doing this my way,’’ Cartman said, turning back sharply. Kyle frowned.

‘’And what way is that?’’ Kyle asked uncertainly.

‘’Wouldn’t you douchebags like to know?’’ Cartman smiled evilly out to them, preening. Stan furrowed his brows. Please, let it not be a mistake.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man have I got shit planned
> 
> **rubs hands together, laughs maniacally**


	7. Not Important, Hardly Important. Extremely Irritating

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh goodness gracious me! I've taken too long to update this intriguing fic of mine. Well, better late than never!
> 
> For the readers who want some damn action already, watch a wrestling match online. You'll be much more entertained there, than here, if that's all you come for. Anyways!...

‘’So you need to infiltrate the Thames warehouse. You need to find evidence that asshole Craig is murdering homeless, or whatever the fuck you need. What are you willing to sacrifice to get this done?’’ Cartman asked them from his desk, his legs crossed on top of it as he leaned back with his cigar. Kenny, Kyle and Stan were sitting in plain seats opposite his imposing desk. Cartman had laid out a map of the area, which he’d had prepared amongst his piles of paperwork in an adjacent room. The fact that he had this already was suspicious, but Cartman excused its convenience on doing similar jobs before in this area. Stan didn’t bother going into it, from what he’d seen from Cartman so far, he knew it’d be a waste of time to argue.

‘’I’m willing to utilise some of my guns that didn’t make the production line,’’ Kyle offered, giving Stan a lightning quick glance like he wasn’t allowed to deny the offer.

‘’Nice, now which purposes do these guns have, unless they’re pissweak revolvers, which in that case don’t bother,’’ Cartman said. Kyle scowled. Stan resisted patting his shoulder comfortingly, remembering himself.

‘’They’re better than the offbrand crap you prefer to buy. There’s probably a higher chance of them exploding than shooting actual targets,’’ Kyle said. Cartman laughed, puffing out smoke.

‘’And yours don’t explode. Right,’’ Cartman said sarcastically, sporting an evil knowing smirk. Kyle groaned, leaning back in his seat.

‘’This is already a tragedy,’’ Kyle said through his hands. ‘’I’m sorry in advance Stan, for this imbecile’s inevitable failure.’’

Stan shook his head. ‘’This would be my failure, if it did bust. You guys have been more than helpful so far,’’ Stan said, waving Kyle off. Kyle gave him an admonishing look for that, but it was sad.

‘’Well we’re a part of it now, so this would be our failure too,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Yeah, man, we’re a fucking team,’’ Kenny added.

‘’Fags,’’ Cartman snorted. Kenny and Kyle shot him a glare, and he scoffed out smoke from his cigar, shaking his head and looking outwards.

‘’I have special ones I created for this, that can blast through steel locks. No doubt the secured doors of the warehouse have them,’’ Kyle said, thankfully changing the subject.

‘’That’s awesome dude! That’ll be invaluable,’’ Stan said, genuinely surprised, but really, Kyle was just impressive in general. Kyle brightened, smiling back at Stan like he’d been looking for that compliment all day. And of course Stan flushed because of it. Cartman coughed in his throat.

‘’When you assholes are done fucking with your eyes, I’ve got a plan regarding those special guns.’’

Cartman must have been receiving dirty looks his whole life, because he didn’t even flinch when Kyle gave him the dirtiest look Stan had ever seen spread across his face.

‘’What?’’ Kyle glared, crossing his arms.

‘’The warehouses you buttlickers plan to infiltrate will be teeming to the asscrack with tucker’s employees and security. The wanker loves his security, the last time I tried to kill the fucker his brutes took out my crones with Kyle’s pawned ammo. So you guys better be giving me something to work with,’’ Cartman said, pointing his cigar at Stan, dripping ashes onto the table.

‘’The most I can give is experience,’’ Stan said, raising his shoulders. ‘’I don’t have multitudes of wealth like Kenny and Kyle, I don’t have fancy gadgets. I mean, shit, I had to steal this gun from my old precinct. But I know how to perform when it’s needed,’’ Stan glanced at Kyle beside him, who smiled.

‘’I’m willing to offer my goods for Stan’s mission, when it’s needed. I trust you,’’ Kyle said to him, and Stan flushed, nodded gratefully.

‘’Thank you,’’ Stan said, slightly overwhelmed by Kyle’s amount of faith in him. Great, all the more pressure to perform.

‘’Aww, you guys. Do you feel your periods synchronising? Careful Stan, Kyle’s aunt flow is particularly heavy,’’ Cartman warned. Kyle’s face flashed pure anger in Cartman’s direction.

‘’Fuck this,’’ Kyle snapped. He abruptly stood up and reached into his pocket, and to Stan’s surprise he pulled out a revolver and aimed it at Cartman’s head. ‘’I’ve had to put up with you for years, I will not be ridiculed by a fat whale who is offering services anyone else could give us anymore. Say goodbye Fatass,’’ Kyle said, recharging the gun.

‘’Woah, Kyle! Calm down,’’ Kenny urged, sitting forward. Stan watched in unblinking shock, as Cartman laughed and pulled out his own, aiming it back. Kyle scoffed.

‘’You’re gonna use that piece of shit on me? You’re a cheap bastard, Fatass. And I know you are, your mother was nothing more than a come crusted whore living in a shoebox downtown, fucking any man who could impregnate her at her earliest convenience. Your father could be anyone, but he’s nothing, and so are you,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Goddammit do not speak about my mum!’’ Cartman bellowed, suddenly angry and standing up, clinking his own gun and chambering a bullet.

‘’Guys!’’ Kenny yelled, standing up, trying to coax Kyle to put his gun down, getting Kyle violently shove him off.

‘’Fuck off, Kenny. He’s had this coming too long,’’ Kyle said, pointing the gun back at Cartman’s head. They were about to kill each other, Stan knew it. He suddenly acted before anything else could happen like a wave of blurry action he didn’t even realise he was making. He pulled out his revolver and shot the ceiling three times, standing up. The bullets shook into the crinkling ceiling with a deafening power, making everyone jump in shock. And before Stan was thinking, he was talking.

‘’Enough! Everyone sit the fuck down!’’ Stan shouted, making the room feel chillingly silent. They followed this command like they were suddenly trained, watching Stan with wide eyes.

‘’Ay! You can’t go around shooting my office!’’ Cartman objected. Stan shot the ceiling twice more and pointed his revolver at Cartman, giving him a look to shut up or the next one would land through his throat down to his ass. Cartman fell silent again, staring hatefully. Stan cleared his throat and took a deep breath, calming himself.

‘’Okay. It’s clear we don’t like each other. We’ve got creative differences. That’s great, and you guys can chase each other into the horizon when we’re done. But right now, you will follow my direction from now on, because it’s clear we cannot function co-operational. Anyone has a problem with that, there’s the door. So can we fucking proceed, or do we have to do this again?’’

Stan waited, watching them glance at each other. He ignored his own pounding heart, because this was the real time. He was no longer fucking around, he was working. No more distractions, no more internal fighting pettiness. Fucking enough.

‘’I’m fine with that, Stan. I’m sorry. I know this is important,’’ Kyle apologised. Stan nodded.

‘’Kenny?’’ Stan asked. Kenny nodded, avoiding his eyes.

‘’Yeah, no. I’m sorry man. Won’t happen again. I’ll follow you.’’

They turned to Cartman, who was smoking his cigar again, raising his eyebrows.

‘’What?’’ Cartman asked, looking around at them. ‘’Oh Fuck, I’m sorry you _guys_. It won’t happen again,’’ Cartman said, rolling his eyes. From what Stan had so far discerned from his character, this would be the best they could get out of him.

‘’Okay, so let’s fucking do this thing,’’ Stan said, clicking his revolver back to his belt.

**

Back in the middle of London, it was odd seeing people milling about in the streets as though nothing was going on, but Stan supposed from their perspective, there wasn’t. From Stan’s, this could be his last day to see the sun, but he wouldn’t be making the most out of it. The team agreed to meet back on River Thames at their marked point all together, and now here Stan was with Kyle, back in front of the building where he first met him. He tried not to think about what a fool he made of himself last time as Kyle led him inside. They were here to collect the guns and tools for the mission, and apparently Kyle thought Stan would be the best option to help him transport them. He’s not complaining, really, but embarrassment in Kyle’s presence is like getting stabbed multiple times over.

Stan followed Kyle into the building, back past the reception desk, where Bebe was sitting, widening her eyes upon seeing them. She stood up as Kyle approached the desk.

‘’Bebe, I need you to prepare a convoy to arrive at this location at precisely five ‘o clock,’’ Kyle said, handing Bebe a slip of paper with the address they scribed earlier. Bebe took the script, raising her eyebrows.

‘’Is it an urgent or leisurely pace you require,’’ Bebe asked.

‘’Urgent, very urgent. We need the best driver,’’ Kyle said, giving Bebe a look. She nodded, and put back on a professional mask.

‘’As you wish, Sir. Will that be all?’’ Bebe asked. Kyle glanced at Stan.

‘’Take whichever arsenal from the staff supply you think you will require, be prepared for anything,’’ Kyle said, nodding again and leading Stan forward. Bebe smiled a little to herself when Stan gave her a final look, but he was too frazzled with his own problems to really care. Kyle walked forward in the lobby, and Stan dreaded the infinite flight of stairs when he remembered the place and its layout. He wondered how Kyle put up with them every day, and wondered if that exercise was why he was so lithe now. It was so not the time to admire his physique though.

To his surprise, Kyle bypassed the beginning of the treacherous steps and took a right.

‘’Um,’’ Stan said, confused, glancing at the steps they passed. Kyle smiled at him from over his shoulder, and thank the gods Stan had too much on his plate right now to get a boner, because that was prime material that would typically make him die on the spot, looks like that.

‘’We’ll take the quicker route,’’ Kyle explained, approaching a door out of the main view, where Stan noticed it blended into the wall like magic. The only thing that made it stand out was a highly missable lining of the door, which Kyle pushed on when they approached it. To Stan’s awe, clinks and dials shifted and turned from the other side, slowly unhinging the lining of the wall and protruding in.

‘’Wow,’’ Stan remarked. Kyle stood beside him with his hands on his hips, a small satisfied smile on his face.

‘’I dabble in mechanical architecture,’’ Kyle said, shrugging and smiling at Stan.

‘’Is there anything you can’t do?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Well,’’ Kyle laughed. ‘’I can’t get rid of Cartman, after all this time. And I’m shite at dancing.’’

‘’I’m sure you’re not,’’ Stan argued. Kyle laughed.

‘’Ha, trust me, you don’t want to see it.’’

Stan was pretty sure he did, but he didn’t mention it. Kyle walked forward into the hidden entryway, and Stan followed behind him, marvelling at the large mechanised door they walked through, and was introduced to another room, darkly lit and ominous. Kyle strode to the side where a large pipe connected through with the floor and ceiling crawled up along the panelling of the wall. Stan watched as Kyle fiddled with something on the wall, making sounds in the wall. As he watched, he couldn’t help stare. It was creepy, he knew it was, but Kyle looked so good doing this, being masterful at his trade. Besides from his vibrant curls, he wore black and brown attire, a cream scarf sagged over his neck, fitting his small lithe frame to near perfection. It was only when his gaze lingered down lower to Kyle’s ass did Stan flush profusely and diverge his attention to the ceiling, which was painted dark grey and had pipes spanning through like an intricate spider web. He cursed himself for being such a horny son of a bitch. His mind was compromised around this oblivious brilliant fool, and it automatically transferred to his cock. Goddammit.

‘’So where are we going?’’ Stan asked when Kyle fiddled with the wall in a way that lost Stan, though he supposes everything this man does will always leave Stan behind in the dust in comparison.

‘’I’m taking you to the most private place in this building. Okay, maybe not the most private, there’s maybe two other places. Nobody knows this exists. Except for you now,’’ Kyle turned back to Stan to say this, conveying a serious tone, and Stan gulped.

‘’Okay. Thank you for entrusting me,’’ Stan said, out of lack of anything cleverer. This bloke probably had dignified intellects conversing with him on a regular basis, and Stan resembled something more out of the freak exhibit, intriguing to look at, but no more intellectually stimulating than a rock.

‘’Don’t underestimate yourself Stanley,’’ Kyle said.

‘’What? How did you-’’ Could this guy read minds? Stan would not be surprised, honestly, he probably knows already that Stan holds the biggest boner in recorded history for him. Who is Stan kidding, of course Kyle knows, there’s no way he would have flirted with him that other day at his apartment if he wasn’t certain of it. Stan just wished he was cooler about this information, and not sweating out of his undershirt.

‘’You’re looking at me as though I should just shoot you now and save everyone the trouble. But I’m telling you, Stan, that you’re bloody impressive, okay? You think just anyone could effectively persuade three people more different than us? Anyone else would have ended up with me murdering the lard, but not you. Because you’re a leader Stan, you were born for this, and I’m fucking proud that you’ve progressed so far, your confidence has soared. Honestly, you’ve made me dedicated to you, and this mission. Don’t discount yourself yet, because I haven’t.’’

Stan stared with his mouth agape like a common whore, completely bewildered by Kyle’s words. Kyle smiled at his expression, and approached him closer. Stan gulped again.

‘’You’ve got this, mate,’’ Kyle said, holding his shoulders firmly. The touch typically would have sent a shockwave of heat down Stan’s arms and legs, and rocketed back down to his dick, lightning like. Instead he was numb, staring at Kyle’s kind expression, trying to imbue his trust so he wouldn’t let him down. Kyle smiled again.

‘’I don’t usually get to see your face this close,’’ Kyle observed. ‘’It’s always cocking a gun at one of us to get us to shut up.’’

‘’Sorry, I-‘’

Kyle shook his head. ‘’We need that. It shows you’ve got balls. Anyone could use more balls in their life.’’

Kyle smirked like he was aware of his own inappropriate joke, and it stilled Stan silent again. Kyle was still holding his shoulders tightly, and Stan couldn’t escape his grip if he wanted to. Like hell he wanted to though.

‘’It’s almost a shame we’re so tight for time,’’ Kyle sighed, lingering closer. He absently brushed his gloved fingers across Stan’s cheek, and if soft touches like that could kill, Stan would have been stabbed in the eyes ten times by now, blinded bloody from this irreverent caress.

‘’Want to know something?’’ Kyle asked softly, still stroking his fingers softly across Stan’s cheek as though he was petting a pony.

‘’What?’’ Stan asked, his voice a near whisper, wielded useless beyond that. Kyle eyes then changed, going from tiredly rueful to sharp and wide. He removed his hand from Stan’s face and stepped away, clearing his throat.

‘’Never mind. Come along, I must show you something,’’ Kyle said, turning away and beckoning Stan forward with a wave. Stan didn’t think he was capable of movement, but he forced his legs to move forward, and he followed Kyle through to another room through the wall. Another secret passage.

Momentarily ignoring what just transfolded between them, Stan followed Kyle as he presented a large storage room with imposing cases, boxes and shelves lined up along the high walls. Upon glancing, he realised these shelves all held weapons. They ranged from large, bigger than man- guns and weapons, to the smallest little devices, cased in their own pedestals, no bigger than pocket watches. Kyle strode forward to the room, where he brought Stan, who marvelled at the intricate designs of every weapon, only capable of imagining the kind of damage each of them could accomplish, with Kyle’s brilliant engineering behind them.

‘’So this is essentially a warehouse for my most coveted weapons not even available to the public for redistribution. Though I see it more as a curating museum of my work. I’m particularly proud of this one,’’ Kyle said, unhatching a compartment that held a particular shelved item on display. He pulled it from its place and presented it to Stan, his eyes gleaming with pride. ‘’This one can fire faster than any revolver on the market, and it automatically reloads, so the user doesn’t have to restock it. It’s something I’ve been dabbling with, but this is the most recent prototype of my designs. It will change the gun industry, and how we think of many other mechanics in our lives. It will revolutionise us,’’ Kyle said dreamily.

‘’This is incredible, Kyle. You could change the world with this,’’ Stan said in awe, imagining the use of one of these in real life situation. It felt too powerful, but it urged him to take advantage of it anyway.

‘’I’m so glad you’ve said so Stan, because I want to show you something else,’’ Kyle said, taking Stan’s hand and wasting no time to pull him forward, hoisting the automatic gun with him. Stan flushed at the connection, and Kyle continued pulling him along the room obliviously. Stan nearly crashed into him when Kyle abruptly stopped before a large stocked area, only illuminated by soft yellow lights hanging from the ceiling.

‘’Ahh, here we go,’’ Kyle announced, dumping the automatic revolver in Stan’s arms, to Stan’s surprise, who nearly dropped it. Kyle reached into the shelf, taking the same unlocking precautions before pulling out a much smaller revolver, simple and elegant in design, and similar looking to Stan’s own. This one has faux gold applied to the façade, and it made the gun look much more exorbitant than many Stan had seen. Kyle gripped it proudly, presenting it to Stan.

‘’This one, is a similar exterior to your own series, as you may have surmised, but the trick that makes it so brilliant, is that it’s interal mechanics are identical in function to those in the very one you’re holding,’’ Kyle said, grinning and holding the elaborate revolved out.

‘’What? You mean- that’s an automatic revolver too?’’

Kyle jumped in place with excitement,’’ Yes! It’s all combusted into this much more manageable design, and it’s so similar to the standard model that nobody would ever notice? Pretty spectacular huh?’’

‘’I- wow. Kyle, you’re a genius, this could be invaluable,’’ Stan said, his jaw somewhere on the floor. Kyle bounced with glee, nodding his head.

‘’I know! I’m so proud of it, honestly. And that’s why it’s yours.’’

Stan thought maybe he misheard.

‘’I’m sorry? Mine?’’ Stan asked. Kyle smiled sheepishly.

‘’I believe a true private investigator needs a revolver worthy of the title,’’ Kyle said. ‘’Also, you obviously deserve it more than anyone else.’’

‘’I- thank you,’’ Stan said, bewildered. He couldn’t fully grasp this generosity he’d been shown these past few weeks. It didn’t seem fair, as though the world was denying someone else the chance for others to be kind to him.

‘’Consider yourself in my debt then. I’ll be cashing that in fairly soon, if you don’t mind. Depending on how well we do today,’’ Kyle said, handing Stan the golden revolver, and taking back the large prototype from him. Stan admired it’s sleekness and design in his hands, and looked back at Kyle, truly impressed.

‘’You’re the most brilliant man I’ve ever met,’’ Stan gushed, unable to shut his stupid trap. Kyle just grinned, and squeezed Stan’s arm. If only they had time. Kyle said that earlier, and Stan didn’t know what to do even if they did have infinity to chase the sunset. This might be Stan’s last.

‘’What was it you were going to say earlier?’’ Stan asked.

‘’Huh?’’

‘’Earlier, back- in the other room,’’ Stan nodded to it.

‘’Oh,’’ Kyle laughed nervously. ‘’It was hardly important presently, I was just going to say what Kenny told me to convince me to join your motly gang. It’s irrelevant though, don’t trouble yourself,’’ Kyle brushed him off, turning away. ‘’Anyways, we need to prepare for our motley gang’s upcoming robbery. We’ll need some special guns eh?’’

‘’You’re the boss,’’ Stan said, leaving that subject Kyle obviously didn’t want to discuss. Kyle smirked at him.

‘’No, Stanley. You’re the boss now,’’ Kyle said, in his hands another weapon Stan didn’t recognise. It looked dangerous.

Perfect.


	8. The Bomb has Detonated. Target acquired.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alice, I can literally feel you wanting this.
> 
> Here's to your incessant nagging :)

Stan never thought of himself as that much of a leader, being a constable always came with the assumption that he was following someone’s rules, directions, laws, and enforcing them. Now he realised he was creating the rules, the directions, maybe not laws per say, since he was certain this whole job was massively illegal. Exciting and spicy, huh? Ha.

He was in charge now, and he tried to adjust within the short time of travelling to River Thames with his misfit crew of a genius, millionaire, and mercenary. It was almost poetic, should they fail, but he was determined he wouldn’t. This was feeling, while right, was also massively gut wrenching. There weren’t enough bloody trashcans in the world to quench his fear. Just remembering seeing a dead body in Kenny’s mortuary and vomiting from that, was nothing to what they were planning to pull off.

The whole area was dusky with a sheen of smoke and smog in the centre of London, the prime trading and factory district. Everything travelled here from exported goods, with the large body of water for ships crossing in for imports, and the place was positively filthy. Streets became alleys with rats lurking in trash, smoke choked their lungs like a black foggy death, and their eyes burned from the chemical smell that somehow made their sight waver. It was all disheartening to have this be the site of their victory or undoing, but Stan just hoped he wouldn’t end up dragging his team down if they did inevitably fail. He should turn back now, save their lives and just give himself up. Maybe Craig Tucker would be more forgiving than The PM if he played mutiny.

There was no time to turn back now, they were now standing before Tucker’s set of main factory buildings, looming over them ominously like a threat. Clinking metal like sounds buzzed through the air, imitating hard work.

‘’Well here we are,’’ Kenny said pointlessly, as though locations could be mistaken.

‘’So, did you bumfuckers get the special guns? Or did you just fuck instead?’’ Cartman asked, clenching his cigar with his teeth, seething heavy black smoke through his teeth.

‘’Here you fat fuck,’’ Kyle practically growled, shoving them in Cartman’s hands angrily. Cartman only smirked, turning them in his gloved hands.

‘’Alright, that’s what I’m talking about. These look deadly,’’ Cartman grinned, giving the three of them devious looks.

‘’Try not to blow us up along with those doors, if you can,’’ Kyle said, stepping in alongside Stan.

‘’Don’t you worry _Kahl_ , I’ve saved your princess arse from failing and screwing Stan’s mission. Although, it wouldn’t matter, because you can just pay his bail when Black tries to take his balls.’’

‘’Why are you like this?’’ Stan asked, shocked at his brutality.

‘’Why! Like what Stanley?’’ Cartman asked sweetly.

‘’Don’t respond to him Stan, he’s just a fat fuck,’’ Kyle said.

‘’C’mon guys! Are we doing this or what?’’ Kenny said, bouncing in his step.

‘’Right, let’s go,’’ Stan said, genuinely surprised and unable to really get it through his head when they all followed, like he was actually the leader. He supposed he was, and he was a little freaked out by it, put on even more pressure from himself. They approached large brass gates, which looked abandoned and doomy in a particularly foreshadowing way. They stopped here.

‘’Hope you guys don’t mind,’’ Cartman said, giving Kyle a lingering patronising look, to which Kyle grabbed the plane goggles on his head and let them snap back on his head with a slap.

‘’Aye, you asshole,’’ Cartman muttered, walking forward with the large special gun they retrieved.

Stan watched as Cartman laughed when he ignited the gun, deafening in its screech. Stan held his hands over his ears to protect his hearing as Cartman sliced through the metal locks with hard slamming bullets, grinning like a psychopath at the carnage left behind by the gates.

The otherwise silent day was ringing when Cartman finally released the trigger, leaving a fucking mess of metal scrap behind where the gates used to be.

They all stared as Cartman huffed breathlessly, already out of energy.

‘’Damn Kyle. Your guns don’t mess around,’’ Kenny said, breaking the silence.

‘’Let’s stop wasting time shall we? My reputation is at stake here by working with you homos,’’ Cartman said, hoisting the massive gun over his shoulder and walking ahead.

The grey area separating the imposing factory buildings with the abandoned security gates was like no mans land, all trodden dirt and mud with a depressingly airy sheen of grey tones surrounding the place like a plague. The four of them trekked past this greyness to the factory, where omnipresent whirring noise of machinery got louder in the air. Stan prepared himself with a small breathing exercise he picked up on patrol for running, even though he wasn’t sure what to expect from this mission. He knew not to hope for anything easy, because likely it would be the opposite. It happened every time. He couldn’t be caught off guard today, he just couldn’t.

Kyle lingered close to Stan as they approached the large bricked building, leaning into his ear.

‘’You’re aware that this place will be full of thugs, protecting Tucker’s merchandise? There will be casualties,’’ Kyle warned.

‘’I- I know,’’ Stan said, glancing nervously at the men taking a glimpse through the window, his team. It’s crazy the friends he’d made doing this, over a mere few weeks. They couldn’t have been more different, he noticed, staring as Kenny said something and Cartman shoved him, making him chuckle. ‘’I’m prepared for anything- but I’ll have your back if you need it.’’

Kyle leaned back, nodding. ‘’Good- that’s good, so you might wanna get your revolver out now.’’

Stan remembered his revolver, and unclipped it from his belt, feeling the cool specialised metal in pre-emptive strike. He watched Kyle unclip his revolver, and he could only wonder which advanced system it used to be in the possession of the master of invention. Then he glanced away when he realised he was staring at Kyle too many seconds for it to be accidental. Kyle looked back at him and smiled, jostling Stan’s arm.

‘’You ready?’’ Kyle asked. Stan wondered if he should voice aloud his utter terror and pumping chest, his tight pulled stomach lining and aching head. He couldn’t exactly eat much this morning, and now he realised it may have been an error. Before he could utter a word, Cartman interrupted them, barging into their faces with his smoke puffing cigar.

‘’Are you done fucking? We need to move, Kenny spotted the guards flanking the west side, and we’ve got a target on the east for best access.’’

‘’Come on. We need to get in and restrain the security before we can investigate the place,’’ Stan said, putting aside his dread, and ignoring Cartman’s now typical insinuations.

They quickly moved from the entrance area to the side of the building, peering in for activity through the heavy locked brass windows. The place looked busy from the inside, teeming with workers on supply decks in the main open section where the merchandise was interrogated for transport. Stan noted the security lining the walls near every entrance point, inaccessible without everyone being alerted and their asses shot to oblivion before they could get cover. He rooted through possible entry points and scrapped the ones where dying would be their fate.

‘’Are you guys seeing this?’’ Stan asked.

‘’The place is brimmed to the asscrack with goons. We all knew Tucker played dirty, but it’s like he was prepared for our arrival,’’ Cartman examined, studying the view from the heightened window. Their location was currently deceived by the cloak of other adjoined buildings, currently seemingly inactive. They hid in this location while they sorted through possible vantage points. Stan considered that they were ill-planned for this, before recalling that the deadline didn’t give them much choice, and this was the only option.

‘’Look at this,’’ Kyle said, pointing upwards. They all followed his hand up to the second storey of the factory, where the windows looked barred and deserted.

‘’What are we looking at?’’ Kenny asked.

‘’They haven’t sealed the top windows properly, just boarded them up. See that the main section of the factory’s ceiling is higher, with two levels. If we could get something through one of them, we could stake out the security on the main floor and get past without fire,’’ Kyle said.

‘’That could work,’’ Stan said.

‘’But- hang on, what the hell would we possibly put through there to drive the business out? We don’t have gas bombs and shit,’’ Kenny said.

‘’We don’t need them,’’ Kyle said, standing up straight and gazing up at the second storey windows. ‘’We’ve got normal bombs. It’ll work just as well, and drive out the inventory either to investigate the source, or run out screaming in terror. Either way, we’ll already be inside, so they won’t even know what hit them.’’

‘’No one’s got bombs Kyle! Are you telling us you’ve got those suckers stuffed up your ass or something?’’ Cartman said. Kyle glared.

‘’No, wanker, we’ve got the portable devices I keep in the stocks,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Fuck, I knew it! You’ve put fucking explosives in all your shit haven’t you!’’ Cartman exclaimed. Kyle shrugged.

‘’It’s for security purposes. I don’t trust that my customers won’t one day betray me,’’ Kyle said, staring purposefully at Cartman.

‘’Fuck you, you’ve been dying to blow me up forever. Well jokes on you _Kahl,_ I don’t use your tacky shit, I give it to my men for their disposal,’’ Cartman preened.

‘’Wait- there’s another bomb in this one?’’ Stan asked, pulling out his special revolver. Kyle gave him a scandalised look.

‘’Of course not Stan! I made that gun for you, I’d never blow you up,’’ Kyle said sadly.

‘’God, spare me,’’ Cartman gagged.

‘’Why don’t you check the blaster I willingly handed you instead _fatass_?’’ Kyle said quickly, turning back to him. Cartman looked down on the giant blaster he held to open the gates, and scowled back at Kyle.

‘’I’m not getting that shit out. Do it yourself,’’ Cartman said, shoving the monster back in Kyle’s arms. Kyle smirked.

‘’Don’t think you can handle it huh _fatass_? Too stupid to figure out how to disable deathware? I thought that was like, part of your job description?’’ Kyle taunted. Cartman went bright red instantly.

‘’Goddammit shut the fuck up you fucking Kike!’’

The air never felt so tense as it did after that moment, as Cartman breathed angrily and Kyle went silent in terrifyingly dark shock. Stan felt paralysed, staring between the two as Kyle’s face progressing got redder.

‘’Okay- guys,’’ Kenny tried, holding his hands up.

‘’You will die. I don’t when or how, but you will die. I will kill you myself if I have to, but you will die, before this fucking day is out.’’

Everyone stared at Kyle in quiet shock, his whole body tensed up and glaring the most intense rays right at the guilty man, who also looked surprised, and slightly scared.

‘’Guys, stop it- this happened last time-‘’

‘’Let’s fucking go right now then little bitch,’’ Cartman yelled, throwing his arms up. Kyle growled and chucked the blaster on the ground with a thump, ascending to him with raised fists.

‘’No- fuck, you retards are ruining everything! C’mon!’’ Stan shouted, trying to get between them. Kyle threw him off and landed the first punch into Cartman cheek, who wheeled back with a hurt yell.

‘’I should have put poison in your breakfast years ago!’’ Kyle yelled, tyring to hit upon him again. Stan stopped him, putting aside his flushed panic by holding Kyle in a tight bear hug to stop his angry jerks to try and hit him.

‘’Let me go Stan! This fucker needs to die! He’s ruining your mission!’’ Kyle cried out, shaking with fury.

‘’Dude, you’re ruining it right now! Just stop- please!’’ Stan tried, pinching his eyes closed.

‘’Fuck off Kenny! Let me at him. That asshole has been riding me my whole life, he has to die,’’ Cartman said, trying to buck in Kenny’s grip.

‘’I’m not ruining your mission!’’ Kyle denied fervently. His strength weakened a little. ‘’I- I’m not. Stan.’’

‘’Please- Kyle, give me a chance to do this. I have to win- I’ll die if I don’t,’’ Stan said, his breath giving out when he said it out loud, the impact of it now hitting him fully. Kyle relaxed in his embrace, and Stan let him go.

‘’Ugh, get off me, I’m fine,’’ Cartman said, shirking Kenny off him and storming away from them.

‘’Stan,’’ Kyle said, a slow growing horror forming on his features. He backed away. ‘’Oh fuck, I’m so sorry. Fuck- _fuck!_ I ruined everything, I knew I’d blow this. Fuck!’’

‘’You haven’t blown this! We can still proceed with the mission!’’ Stan argued.

‘’No, not the mission- oh jesus. Why do I keep doing this?’’ Kyle put his hands over his face and moaned, backing away as Stan tried to get closer. ‘’I keep fucking it up. And now I’m in front of you doing it!’’

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan exclaimed, trying to grab him, but Kyle danced away from him, still covering his face.

‘’I can’t face you, you already hate me,’’ Kyle said, repeating his words like a fucked up mantra.

‘’I could never hate you!’’ Stan denied. ‘’Please, calm down, just stop-‘’

‘’I can’t stop! I can’t forget, and I can’t move forward. I need you to trust me, but I know you think I’m insane!’’

‘’I don’t think that! Stop assuming I hate you, I like you so much it’s crazy! I’m the insane one!’’ Stan admitted. Kyle fell silent, peeking at Stan through his gloves.

‘’You don’t hate me?’’

Stan breathed out, in equal parts exhaustion and relief. ‘’No Kyle, you’re my team, and you’ve done so much for us, for me already. Just forget about Cartman- please. We can kick him out as soon as this is done, I promise, but we need to stick together. I need you here- with me.’’

Kyle was silent a worrying moment.

‘’Oh, _Stan,_ ’’ Kyle said, smiling bashfully. Stan got the shock of his life when Kyle wrapped him up in a hug, tightening his grip, whispering a small thank you in his ear. Stan was suddenly filled with inexplicable warmth. He waited for the embarrassing boner to come, like it always did at the worst time, but it didn’t. Stan just felt warm.

‘’Great, now we just need Cartman back from wherever he stormed off to,’’ Kenny said, breaking their momentary tranquillity. Stan looked up, recalling where they were, what was going on. Cartman had disappeared from their location.

‘’Fuck,’’ Stan said, reluctantly releasing from Kyle’s embrace. Kyle sighed and rubbed at his eyes. ‘’Where did he go?’’

‘’He stormed off over there,’’ Kenny pointed to the abandoned building ahead from the right, to an alley way inbetween.

‘’You should go and talk to him,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Huh? Me?’’ Stan asked in surprise.

‘’Yeah, I think you’re the only one who can convince him to come back,’’ Kenny said.

‘’What? No, it’s you guys he has history with! I barely know the dude,’’ Stan argued.

‘’Yeah, and he’s pissed off at us _because_ we’ve got history. It has to be you, he doesn’t give enough of a crap about you to hate,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Ouch,’’ Stan said. Kenny shrugged.

‘’You should talk to him Stan,’’ Kyle urged, surprisingly. Stan gave him a stunned look, and he shrugged. ‘’He’ll just get angrier with Kenny and I, and we need him. Because we’re a team.’’

So Stan found himself walking over the dark alleyway, dragging his feet along the dirt as he looked for the big man. He found him leaning against the brick smoking his cigar.

Cartman sneered when Stan approached him, not sure what to do with his hands, so he just kept them limply at his sides.

‘’The fuck do you want faggot?’’ Cartman scowled, blowing smoke into Stan’s face. Stan didn’t breath in, just waved it away with his hand until it was out of his breathing space.

‘’Just- to talk,’’ Stan said.

‘’I’m not going back there with that evil fucker, always tormenting me.’’

‘’But you torment him! You called him a kike for fucks sake!’’ Stan said, forgetting to be careful.

‘’Whatever, he is one. Did he tell you that while you were sucking him off? That he’s just a Jew, hidden in plain sight to the general public so they won’t stop buying his weapons for anti-Semitism. He’s a crafty fucker, I’ll give him that. But that doesn’t mean he’s without flaw. I know all of them anyway,’’ Cartman said, smiling wide now. It was freaking Stan the fuck out.

‘’Look, I know you guys have a rich history, okay. I don’t resent that, but you’ve got to stop giving him so much shit, seriously.’’

Cartman kept his self-satisfied little smirk plastered on his face. ‘’That’s quite fascinating Stanley. That you believe he’s a victim here, just a damsel to my wicked whims. It shows how much you know. That man is a psychopath. He just hasn’t shown you his true colours yet- but don’t worry, you’ll see them soon.’’

‘’You’re lying,’’ Stan said.

‘’Uh huh, keep telling yourself that. How do you think dear Kyle actually got to his level? Being good at inventing? He’s not that amazing, stop being so in love with him. Meanwhile, I’ll rejoin your little squadron, Stan. Watch me do it, but would you go back to it if you knew half of what those two are hiding like I do?’’

Cartman smiled once more, and leaned off the wall and walked back from where Stan came, laughing under his breath.

Stan followed him, feeling like he’d just woken up in another world, as he stood back beside his team, staring at them. At their poker faces, blinking back apathetically. Cartman preened beside him, asking Kyle to remove the bomb from the blaster so they could proceed.

Stan didn’t realise that the bomb had already been used. And he was the target. Cartman flashed him another grin, and Stan felt it hit, knocking him back in dulled aftershock as he stared at Kyle pull the device out and hold it up. A decoy, the real bomb was detonated already, and it was what Cartman revealed in that alley.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> WELL THEN. 
> 
> I'm making a pact to myself. Work on this, don't post anything else until this gets further. I'm a bit hopeless, so I need help remembering. Troll me! Remind me! DO whatever the fuck, but I'm committed now. (that don't mean shit from me, but I hope you appreciate it's well intentioned.)


	9. Espionage at its best and worst.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm fucking loving this. You would be jumping in place if you knew what I have planned. Bwahaha

Stan stared numbly as Kyle rigged the timer on the mini bomb device, clinking around and crouched on the bland brown earth while the rest of them watched from above.

Stan tried to wrap his head around everything Cartman had said. He could easily discount everything he said, call him an asshole and laugh off his conspiracy theories out of plain and simple jealousy. Stan wasn’t sure why he wasn’t doing that. He should trust Kenny and Kyle above Cartman. He wasn’t exactly close to any of them, but he felt a bond with Kenny and Kyle above Cartman, who’d they’d bribed to join them, rather than rally his call to arms like the others.

But still he felt nervous, felt a twinge of hesitation to discount everything he claimed. It’s not like he could easily disclaim that the guys had secrets. Of course they did. He knew they did, because everyone did. Hell, Stan felt like he was hiding his life from them, putting on a front so they wouldn’t dig into the life he had before. He didn’t even want to think about it, because it was boring. Okay, he had nothing grand about it, nothing explicit or dramatic to share like probably Kyle did with his school life with Cartman and Lady Wendy. And Kenny’s allegedly steamy affair with making money off the class structure, and his other allegedly steamy affair with Lady Marjorine. Stan had no idea what was behind him, actually, realising this as he glanced at Kenny’s stance. He was standing over Kyle watching him intently, brows furrowed, blonde hair swishing against the light wind that picked up in the area. Stan tried to figure out if his face had malicious intent behind it, or if he looked like the kind of man to be able to begin a romance with a high lady of society. He just looked aloof, almost blank slated. Stan decided not to trust it.

But, Stan wasn’t sure what to think of Cartman’s proclaimations about Kyle. He wanted to not believe them, and he didn’t. But he was made nervous ever since. Fucking Cartman, he probably did this on purpose to make him freak out before the most important part of his mission.

‘’Okay, so this thing is gonna go off in a five minute period, because I’ve preset these things on a rigged timer, so we’ll just have to take cover and wait for it to demolish the wall, and we can proceed inside while they’re caught off guard with the impact,’’ Kyle explained, bouncing back up with the device and setting it against the old brick building face.

‘’Where will we wait?’’ Kenny asked. They all looked around.

‘’Look, the abandoned building over there. It will probably be the only thing strong enough to shield us from the detonation rubble,’’ Kyle pointed behind them.

‘’Just how big an impact will it be?’’ Stan asked. He didn’t see much bombing during the constable days.

‘’Think megaton explosion Stan, this is man shit we’re doing,’’ Cartman said.

‘’Think smaller fatass, though I guess that’s not fair. We didn’t hire you for your brain,’’ Kyle said coldly. Cartman glared.

‘’That’s right Kahl. You hired me because the three of you couldn’t make a decent pair of balls to actually accomplish this thing.’’

‘’Say that to my fist lard face,’’ Kyle threatened. Kenny held him back this time, and Cartman scoffed.

‘’Guys, let’s not do this again,’’ Kenny warned.

‘’Kenny’s right. Kyle start the timer, we need to get this done,’’ Stan said. Kyle backed down and huffed, and Kenny released him.

‘’Don’t call _me_ lard face asshole,’’ Cartman muttered as Kyle slid past him. Kyle flipped him off, and ducked back down to set the bomb.

‘’What gun did you bring _Keeny_?’’ Cartman asked while Stan watched Kyle activate it.

‘’Just a standard revolver. I can shoot worth my aim, but guns ain’t my speciality like you guys. I’m more of a punch and get around any way I can kind of guy.’’

‘’So you’re using ghetto moves, nice. That’ll distract them,’’ Cartman taunted. Kenny just laughed.

‘’Got me this far, I think they’ll do me more than your guys parents special breeding programs to make the gold spoon up your asses shinier the more you flaunted it.’’

‘’Don’t get all pissy just because I was born into wealth, Kenny,’’ Cartman said.

‘’If you call your mom's success as a whore wealth, then sure!’’ Kenny cackled. Cartman cursed and shoved him, and Stan braced himself for another altercation. He was really getting sick of them.

‘’Fuck off about my mother!’’

‘’Because she was obviously a noble and valued member of the school’s society. Why, I remember her diligent services every Wednesday for the male tutor’s cigar club. What would but a noble women attend such a male dominated event!’’ Kyle exclaimed from the ground. Cartman’s eye twitched.

‘’She was not a fucking whore you guys! You’re lying Kahl!’’ Cartman shouted.

‘’Shut up fatass, stop fucking yelling. They’ll hear us from in the factory you retard,’’ Stan said.

‘’Didn’t hear you complaining when Kyle was screaming like roughly fucked bitch,’’ Cartman quipped smugly.

‘’Fuck off,’’ Kyle scoffed. ‘’Everyone at that school knew it, you’re the only one still in denial.’’

‘’Hey Kyle, you done with that timer yet man?’’ Kenny said, thankfully derailing from another inevitable outblow.

‘’Yeah- just a sec… Got it,’’ Kyle said, standing back with a huff and grinning at Stan. ‘’We’re all good, let’s get cover quick and prepare our inventory.’’

‘’Just call it guns you posh prick,’’ Cartman muttered.

‘’Shove it up your ass,’’ Kyle scowled back, following them towards the abandoned building.

Stan tried to calm himself down as they watched and waited for the explosion to come. He felt like his stomach was in knots, and mostly he was afraid he’d piss himself when the bomb went off, since Kyle warned them it would be loud, and they’d need to cover their ears so they could follow up quickly and get inside. Stan felt like vomiting again, but wouldn’t dare it with these better-than-him men watching like they were scrutinising him.

Okay, maybe it was just nerves, they weren’t even looking at him. Kyle was adjusting a clock on his hand, and Kenny and Cartman were bickering about the guns models they brought for the mission. Stan took out the special gun Kyle gave him, reddening at the memory of that day, how Kyle touched his cheek. He could still feel a tingle when he blushed hard enough.

‘’Hey, you ready?’’ Kyle asked him, breaking Stan out of his dangerously bad-timed thoughts.

‘’Uh, yeah. I hope so,’’ Stan said uncertainly.

‘’Remember what I said,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Huh?’’

‘’You got this,’’ Kyle smiled.

‘’Oh, right. Yeah, I got this,’’ Stan smiled for Kyle sake, and repeated it in his head. He’s got this. He’s got this.

He’s fucking got this. Okay. Try not to die.

‘’If we get something in there- something that saves you another day with Black. We’re getting a drink, how about that?’’ Kyle suggested. ‘’I’ve got some good brands upstairs of my building. I’ll treat you guys.’’

‘’That’s- really nice,’’ Stan said in surprise. Kyle beamed. ‘’That would be awesome.’’

‘’How about if we do this, Kyle you get me that jetpack once and for all, for doing this for you,’’ Kenny said.

‘’For me? Asshole, you’re the one who had to convince me to join, I don’t owe you shit,’’ Kyle laughed.

‘’Ha, what did you have to do to convince the ginger minge over there?’’ Cartman cackled, elbowing Kenny. Stan caught Kyle’s glare at Kenny, who buried a smile.

‘’Oh, nothin you guys. Nothin at all. Kyle probably just wanted to hang out with Stan- didn’t you?’’ Kenny teased.

‘’Stan is a great investigator, of course it’s an honour to work with him,’’ Kyle claimed, folding his arms and daring a glance at Stan. Stan just laughed nervously, too mangled inside to really appreciate any compliments this gorgeous motherfucker gave him, no matter how weird they sounded.

‘’That shit sounds rehearsed you guys,’’ Cartman smirked. Kyle growled at him, and Kenny laughed.

‘’How much time we got?’’ Kenny asked. Kyle huffed and turned back to his miniaturised clock on his wrist.

‘’We got a minute left,’’ Kyle said.

‘’I’ve got a question for you Stan,’’ Cartman proclaimed. ‘’What the fuck did you do that Token involved you in his skank hunt pursuit of Tucker? I mean, no offense, but you’re shit small time compared to the real dogs in the world, ones who can actually claim a seat in congress, let alone murder a politician.’’

‘’Fuck off Cartman, that’s none of your business,’’ Kyle said, scowling.

‘’Oh is Kyle your mother now? I’m sorry Stan, I didn’t realise you’re a literal motherfucker.’’

‘’Shut up,’’ Stan scoffed. ‘’Mr Black came to me okay? I didn’t approach him or anything.’’

‘’That’s what they all say,’’ Cartman yawned.

‘’Guys, we’ve got thirty seconds left,’’ Kyle warned them.

‘’Let’s get into positions,’’ Kenny suggested, crawling over to the wall that would hopefully defend them from the explosion.

‘’Do you seriously think I asked for this kind of job? I hate it, I’m literally on my last leg here, what kind of fucking life is that anyway?’’ Stan said, as they all crouched down at the wall waiting.

‘’You seem like enough of a fuckin drama queen to want that kind of shit,’’ Cartman said, glocking his gun, apparently not Kyle’s brand, unsurprisingly.

‘’Fifteen seconds,’’ Kyle warned. Stan’s chest fluctuated.

‘’Shut up dude,’’ Kenny said.

‘’I’m just sayin!’’ Cartman said emphatically, holding his hand up defensively.

‘’Ten seconds,’’ Kyle said.

‘’Enough, get ready guys. We’re doing this for real,’’ Stan said, getting his gun ready, holding it at his chest, heart pounding away.

‘’Five seconds.’’

‘’Cover your ears guys,’’ Kenny said quickly, and they all immediately followed, bracing themselves.

Stan pinched his eyes shut, and waited.

**

The explosion still rung in his ears even after the impact.

Despite their preparation, Stan still felt disorientated, even as they escaped the cover spot and ran smack into the destroyed side of the factory, billowing with smoke and screams and whirring sounds of machinery.

They were right in that the personnel would be caught off guard enough for them to run through without immediate gunfire.

It gave them the chance to take cover from a better position, running through and past the rubble from the inside and getting behind a large work station with metal guarded supports that acted as their barrier. Stan blinked the smoke out of his eyes, feeling completely overridden by automatic emotions not his own, but a unfeeling and scrupulous machine that overtook him and his thought process. Something of actual value he developed on the force. This was his game now, and he finally remembered that.

Cartman was the first to leap ahead and start firing his revolver out to the factory floor, aiming for the security that recovered the fastest and taking them out before they started firing back. When the first bullet zipped past them with a clang, Cartman cursed and took cover again behind the station.

‘’Kenny, I’ve got bastards coming in through the doors, they’ll flank us from the side before we can get any further and blast our asses to hell,’’ Cartman said, shouting over the noise of sudden gunshots and yelling on the platform.

‘’Got it,’’ Kenny called back, crawling over across their cover and running out, shooting at the security quickly before taking cover again across the room.

Stan took the opportunity of his distraction to observe the scene, peeking out quickly over the scene with his gun. Guards indeed had swarmed the entrance, blocking them in from the possible exits. They were stuck, unless they shot their way through, which was quickly becoming the only option.

‘’Kyle!’’ Stan yelled out from over the raining shots deafening everything. ‘’You and me charge through up those stairs while Cartman and Kenny cover us okay? He need to do this now!’’

Kyle nodded quickly, and they both crawled over to the access point, preparing to run.

‘’Ready?’’ Kyle called.

‘’Cartman! Cover us!’’ Stan shouted. Cartman kept shooting.

‘’Yep,’’ Cartman called, shooting across the side where the security came flooding back into action.

‘’Go!’’ Stan yelled to Kyle, who grabbed him and they both ran as fast as they could, shrouding to avoid gunfire. Stan shot at the guards blocking the sides as they ran, shooting one down, only for them to fire back. Kenny got them before their bullets could hit. Stan pulled Kyle up to the metal bar stairs and used himself as a cover as they darted up and avoided the clanging of the shots just missing them.

‘’Keep going!’’ Stan said, pushing Kyle up, who got up and out of gunfire range quicker than Stan. He had to pull Stan up and behind the wall of the overhead walkway, where they escaped the main ground scene of carnage.

‘’Are you okay?’’ Kyle asked once they were safe as they could be out of fire. The ringing and crashing of it was still in earshot, but no bullets were coming their way now.

‘’Yeah- you?’’ Stan said, looking over Kyle twice to check for bullet hits or blood. He was miraculously unharmed, same as Stan.

‘’These security guards can’t aim for shit,’’ Kyle laughed, but it was shaky. Stan laughed too, an overflow of insane giddiness overflowing his bones. They both laughed at the whole insanity of it for a few seconds. At least until an explosion was heard from downstairs, and they remembered where they were.

‘’C’mon, we’ve gotta find something,’’ Kyle said, nudging Stan to walk. They held their guns close in preparation for any surprise attacks, though if their theory was correct- everyone came down downstairs or escaped when the bomb exploded.

Stan and Kyle hurried through the offices upstairs, checking each abandoned room for anything. They were mostly void of anything useful, though they could have been looking for anything. This entire mission here depending on Craig doing something illegal. Stan had a deep feeling it was, they was something not right about this place. He could tell Kyle felt it too.

‘’These are just empty offices,’’ Kyle frowned, when they checked the second last one.

‘’That must be Craig’s one there- or the boss. It has to be,’’ Stan assured him, pointing to the one on the very end of the dark hallway. They ventured over to it, and Stan kicked it open to startle anyone if they were hiding.

It was completely empty of any life, but reassuringly stocked like an office, plenty of opportunity to discover a lead.

‘’You look on that side, I’ll search here,’’ Kyle said, walking to a storage cupboard filled with books and ornaments.

Stan headed to the desk in the centre of the room where he pointed. The desk was huge in mahogany and sculpted specially for someone very very rich. The top had papers spread out upon it, and upon inspection they looked like receipts. Receipts for bulk bought orders from Spain, France, and the Americas. It didn’t say what for, just the price and the name of the vessals, and confirmation of money transferred.

‘’Hey Stan, check this out,’’ Kyle said. Stan put the receipts down and hurried over to him.

‘’I’ve found these books, I mean. We all know Craig is a merchant trader- but he seems to really be into farming too. Look- Stages and the art of Coca Leaf farming by Richard Jon Hanson. The Biological Growth of Coca leaves by Sir Christian Chaplain. This guy is seriously into Coca farming- is he trying to grow them?’’ Kyle wondered, flipping through the books. ‘’They can only be grown in the Americas though.’’

‘’Those receipts,’’ Stan said. ‘’There were shipments coming in from the Americas to this factory on River Thames.’’

Kyle frowned, ‘’But- that’s ridiculous. It’s not illegal to import Coca- it’s probably just a secondary business of his,’’ Kyle said.

‘’We’ll keep looking- but you might onto something,’’ Stan said.

‘’Look inside the desk drawers,’’ Kyle said, joining him at the large mahogany desk.

Stan and Kyle scrambled and scoured through every drawer for something. Weirdly it was full of random shit that wouldn’t have any use to the business, and Stan was left to wonder if Craig even came here to work. Maybe this wasn’t Craig’s desk at all, but a lower boss he employed to oversee the factory. He broke a sweat thinking that they’d wasted their time here- and ultimately their cover. As soon as Craig got word his factory was under attack, he’d start snooping. It was only so long before he connected dots and cut off Stan’s head and put it on the platter for dinner. It was either him or Token, and frankly Stan didn’t know who was worse.

‘’There’s nothing, it’s a bust,’’ Stan said, heart pounding hard at the implications. Kyle gave him a worried look, like he was beginning to realise that too.

‘’Maybe- there’s uh, something bad in these receipts-‘’

‘’Hey!’’

Cartman and Kenny crashed into the room, huffing and bloody. Kenny had a bullet wound in his arm, which was bleeding thick and fast while he held it tightly to cut off the flow.

‘’What the fuck are you doing! Me and Kenny held them off, but it’s only a matter of minutes before they come back at us tenfold. They called more security in dammit!’’ Cartman screamed. Stan exchanged a panicked look with Kyle.

‘’We can’t find anything!’’ Stan said quickly, freaking out.

‘’What!’’ Cartman shouted, and pushed them aside. He slammed the drawers open and searched them. Kenny joined him, wincing.

‘’You need bandages, quickly, or you’ll bleed out’’ Stan said.

‘’I’ve had worse,’’ Kenny said waving him off.

‘’Kenny- you could die!’’ Kyle exclaimed.

‘’ _Ahem!_ Guys, can you put your fucking priorities in order. We don’t have time to play doctor,’’ Cartman said.

‘’What’s that?’’ Kenny said, pointing to the top drawer Cartman had his hand on.

‘’What?’’

Kenny reached into the drawer, and widened his eyes in surprise when he pulled out a single sheet of paper. ‘’It was taped to the top,’’ Kenny said.

They stopped their arguing and crowded around the paper.

‘ _’Oh my god_ ,’’ Kyle said as they inspected it.

‘’This is what we need-‘’ Stan started.

‘’That’s far enough,’’ a chilling voice froze them all in place. Coming from the doorway.

Craig. In front of three armed men.

‘’Oh Shit,’’ Kenny said.

‘’Kenneth McCormick. And Kyle Broflovski. What a surprise. Not. You’re on my property- with these two…whatevers,’’ Craig sneered.

‘’Aye!’’ Cartman said.

Stan elbowed him hard. ‘’Not the time.’’

Craig piercing eyes were as cold as that day he gave the tour. He darted them to Stan.

‘’And you. Journalist- though I’m starting to suspect that was a rouse. Who do you work for,’’ Craig said, gliding his sharp gaze over all of them again.

‘’Nobody,’’ Stan said.

‘’Bullshit. It’s Black- isn’t it? Craig said, scoffing. ‘’I’ve got a lot of enemies, but he’s always had it out to crush me. Because in reality his campaign is weak. He’s just richer than everyone else. Lucky for me- I’m not afraid to resort to drastic measures. Now tell me everything you know- and I’ll consider calling the authorities instead of killing you all.’’

Stan glanced at Kyle, who looked just as panicked as Stan felt. He widened his eyes, and Stan didn’t know what that meant, but he suspected it wasn’t good. Kyle bit his lip and pulled from his backpack a device.

‘’Stay back Tucker,’’ Kyle said, stepping forward. ‘’Do you know what this is?’’

‘’What- are you stupid?’’ Craig said. ‘’You want to die first do you?’’

Kyle ignored him, hoisting the device. ‘’This is a bomb motherfucker. With one press I can explode your whole factory into bits with you in it. Unless- you let these guys go.’’

‘’Kyle- no!’’ Stan exclaimed.

‘’Shut up Stan,’’ Kyle said. ‘’So make your choice fucker- wanna die? Or let them go. And you can take me- I’ll tell you everything you want to know.’’

Craig stared at Kyle, searching his eyes. ‘’Why would you do that? Sacrifice yourself for these pathetic liars, mongrels and wife-stealers? What’s in it for you?’’

‘’I-‘’ Kyle looked back at Stan. Stan stared, confused. ‘’Some people are worth it. You know?’’

Stan dropped his jaw in hurt, anger, confusion, love, sadness. Kyle smiled woefully and looked back at Craig. ‘’So yes. Take me. But let my friends go.’’

Craig hummed suspiciously.

‘’No- Kyle! Don’t do this,’’ Stan begged. ‘’There has to be another way- he’ll kill you. You know that.’’

‘’Your lover has got a point you know,’’ Craig noted, raising his eyebrow. Kyle turned back to him and glared. ‘’Shut up asshole. Do we have a deal or not? Your building is at stake here.’’

‘’I have money to buy another,’’ Craig said. He looked down in thought. ‘’But- I suppose you’ll kill me along with your little pals you love so much. Hmm.’’

Craig gestured to his men, who made way in the entrance for them. He stood aside, but grabbed Kyle by the arm. ‘’Don’t think you can get away so easy.’’

‘’Kyle- you don’t have to do this,’’ Stan said pathetically, scrambling for another option. Surely there was another option. This couldn’t be the only way. ‘’Take me too! I’m the one Black hired!’’

‘’It’s okay Stan. Please go. I couldn’t bear to let you die,’’ Kyle said.

‘’You better leave before I change my mind,’’ Craig said sternly.

Kenny was already tugging Stan to go. Cartman had already left the room, escaping the situation.

‘’C’mon Stan. There’s nothing you can do,’’ Kenny said sadly. Stan opened his mouth, trying to say something. Like how dare they give up so easily. Kyle looked sad too, but he smiled once more at Stan before Stan let Kenny drag him to the door.

Stan stopped short at the door, glaring at Craig one last time. He wouldn’t leave without the final blow. Craig couldn’t take everything from him.

‘’I know about Tweek,’’ Stan said defiantly. Craig jerked his attention to him.

‘’What.’’

‘’I know you’re fucking a man. Your assistant,’’ Stan said. Craig twitched and stared, his jaw unbelievably tight.

‘’Out! Now!’’ Craig suddenly screamed, looking bloodshot.

Stan escaped then, fuming and unbelievably conflicted. His brain was numb, and chest felt tight and pounding in a very bad way. He was so caught within his shock that his heartbreak delayed.

Stan, Kenny and Cartman completely vacated the building, panting and getting to the neutral ground far away and adjacent the dark abandoned street.

Stan exchanged a look with Kenny first. ‘’We’ve got to go back for him.’’

‘’Screw that retard!’’ Cartman yelled. ‘’He dug his grave when he made a fucking deal with that carpet muncher. We have to get out of here! Where’s the fucking getaway driver!’’

‘’Kyle is part of our team!’’ Stan yelled back angrily. ‘’We can’t just leave him behind. He’d do the same for you!’’

‘’You don’t know him Stan!’’ Cartman yelled, waving in his face ‘’He’d happily leave me behind, just like any rational fucker would. He died as soon as he pulled out that bomb- we all know it but you! Now man up- we have to get out of here!’’

‘’Stan,’’ Kenny grabbed Stan’s shoulder. He looked resigned. ‘’We have to go.’’

‘’No!’’ Stan shouted. His eyes stung. ‘ _’WE AREN’T LEAVING_.’’

‘’What the fuck?’’ Cartman said. Stan and Kenny turned to the commotion. A car pulled up and skid along the loose gravel and dirt, kicking up smoke at them. Stan boggled when he could see again, seeing the driver behind the wheel.

Bebe pulled off her goggles and turned to them. ‘’You guys needed a getaway driver?’’ she grinned.

She was wearing a completely different attire than at the reception desk, hoisting a brown leather corset over a white lace shirt. Most shocking of all, she was wearing leather pants instead of a skirt, with brown strapped up boots.

‘’Are you guys just gonna stand there looking dumb?’’ Bebe said. ‘’Where’s Kyle?’’

Reality rehit them, and Kenny had to give her a sad look. ‘’Bebe- Kyle he’s. He’s gone.’’

‘’Wait- what,’’ Bebe was quickly aghast, getting out of the car. ‘’Gone? What- dead?!’’

‘’He’s not dead!’’ Stan argued. ‘’He’s not dead!’’ He had to believe that or wasn’t sure who he’d start punching.

‘’Stan- there’s nothing we can do,’’ Kenny said.

‘’He’s not dead! Bebe- you have a gun right? We can go back- we can save him! We’ll outnumber them!’’

Stan ripped out of their pathetic giving up consoling hands. He started rushing back toward the building.

The explosion’s shockwave knocked him backwards before he could get any closer. When he got back up, his eyes beheld the pure carnage it did to the building, putting it on fire and collapsing the roof right in front of him.

Stan’s heart collapsed on itself. As the last hope he had was destroyed, and the building was demolished by the explosion.

He fell to his knees, mouth permanently dropped open. He was in too much shock to cry, but his eyes felt like searing blisters. Any hope he had was dead. Along with everyone in the building. _Kyle._

The others were cursing, expressing their shock. It was blank empty noise to Stan, his ears felt numb.

He stared at the roof of the building, feeling like the explosion was replaying in his mind, and wondering where that figure jumping out of the explosion came from suddenly. Flying down to the ground. Smoke pillowed from under them. Them- that person flying out from the flames. Flying.

Stan watched them in the simplest shock- thinking he’d got a concussion from the rubble somehow. It was Kyle. It couldn’t be. But Stan couldn’t mistake those features anywhere.

Kenny shouted from behind him, their voices finally getting past Stan’s ears.

‘’Ha! I knew it! I knew!’’ Kenny shouted, laughing hysterically.

Kyle landed right in front of Stan, the smoke and heat suddenly shutting off from behind Kyle’s back. He turned around slowly, facing Stan.

Kyle parted his lips and stared at him.

_Green._


	10. Drunk off Diamond Glasses and Ear touches

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Missions are stressful

It might take a few decades to accept reality as it is. It might take a month. Or maybe this afternoon would be enough.

Stan felt muddy in the brain enough to accept all three, but he couldn’t think much beyond; what the ‘effing fuck was that and how the eff did it happen.

Everything was hectic and hilariously uncharted after Kyle had landed back down. Stan had already died in the chest- so bringing it back to life in such a dire situation was now giving him cardiovascular issues. He might not make it to forty.

They’d all rushed out a barrage of forceful questioning onto Kyle, only saved by Bebe warning them staying in the dangerously exposed location was gonna cost them, and get the fuck in the vehicle unless you’d like to be left behind for Craig’s goons capture.

Stan wasn’t confident they’d all survived that explosion- given the magnitude of the blast and consistent success of Kyle’s brilliant designs. It was no question. As they all piled in and Bebe skid away hastily, the possible outcome on everyone’s minds was thick in the air. For the first few minutes of stale tension, everyone constantly checking the road behind them for rogue thugs chasing after them. Nobody even released the tight grip of their guns until they ascended back into the busy London streets. It was at this point that reality came crashing down, crisis wordlessly deemed averted. This mission might have just ended already, right there on River Thames- their first real active duty as a team.

It was a very possible one, Stan considered. And it would be fantastic in most aspects. Craig was likely dead- and competition literally blown up; Stan’s balls might be released from the PM’s grip. And he could finally breathe again; a free man.

In some other aspects, it was disappointing. Stan was surprised, but the last few weeks had been the most exciting of Stan’s whole career, and it was mostly due to these three men- his partners. The craziest, kookiest, and most unhinged people he’d ever met. They’d spent more time fighting dramatic squabbles than bonding or getting to actually know each other, but even so, Stan felt a strengthening unspoken bond between them. It might have been trust. It might have been circumstance. Or maybe just reluctant respect.

Either way, he was glad to have met them all. The near approaching end of all of this was enough of a push off a cliff to feel dropped like a kickball.

The literal end of the journey in the car came quicker. Bebe had parked outside of Kyle’s business building, the loud engine producing clogging motorized clicks dying to silence, and Kyle graciously invited everyone inside for drinks. Just like he’d said he would.

Entering Kyle’s building was still as grand as he’d remembered, and also only the third time he’d ever done it. Back at the start, Stan had been so nervous to meet his idol that he forgot about simple social skills, and didn’t speak so much as croak at the genius inventor. Not mentioning that embarrassing boner Stan sported when Kyle popped off his goggles for the first time and shake his hand.

He was immensely proud of himself for advancing beyond that travesty. It took practise and embarrassing conversations to himself the weeks following, pretending to talk to Kyle at night in his bed. But eventually it paid off, and now Kyle could glance over his shoulder at Stan with his devastating hotness and smile, and Stan could grin back and flick his head casually (and flirtatiously) in response without pissing himself in terror.

He still flushed like an absolute bitch after he did it this eventful afternoon, but Kyle had already turned back around and led the boys around to that same secret area of reception he introduced Stan this morning. They all followed politely, which was a very first.

The group, Bebe included, ascended a nifty little elevating platform Kyle used covertly to avoid the monster stairs. Stan was beginning to wonder the stairs were to keep people away from his lab- or from Kyle entirely. The more he thought about it the more his stupid chest pumped harder for this man.

It didn’t take long for the conversation to resume on the platform as they ascended. Though maybe conversation was a kind word for it.

Everyone groaned in disgust as Eric let one out, and Bebe held up her arm to her nose. Eric laughed heartily, delighted with himself.

‘’Bloody hell you dog,’’ Kenny muttered, punching Eric’s shoulder.

‘’Someone let the frogs go,’’ Cartman slapped his knee at his own joke. No one shared his amusement, and Stan offered Kyle a conciliary look of disdain. He returned it, and shuffled closer to Stan to escape the wrath of Eric’s odour.

‘’So…’’ the fact Kyle kept inviting himself closer to Stan had to mean something, but never had he been able to decipher it or function afterwards. It was terribly awkward. ‘’Got any got house brands up there?’’ he said instead.

Kyle brightened anyway, ‘’oh yeah, you’ll love the stuff I’ve got tucked away for special occasions. Real liquor- unlike that watered down horse piss ale at the pubs. I figure it’s worth opening them to celebrate nearly dying today.’’

He grinned, and Stan knew he was completely screwed, but figuring if the suspicion was true of Tucker’s demise, this might be the last chance he gets to see Kyle entirely. He hoped their experience might extend beyond contractual obligation (or whatever the hell Kenny had said to convince Kyle), but he could never be certain. He was a failed constable, and a pretty equally failing private investigator. Kyle was leagues above him in merely soap expenses, let alone social standing. If this was high society, Stan would be scrubbing the floor Kyle walked with his designer leather loafs, which he wore in this scenario along with an expensive black tux of the finest fabric and tailoring. Kenny would be there with a cashmere tophat and monocle, sipping Whiskey from a diamond glass and stepping in mud on purpose for Stanley to wipe up.

And despite this hypothetical, Stan was still here, being offered luxury top shelf liquor from the second richest man in London, while the richest man stood opposite them and wagged his eyebrows in all his ill-disguised street ragamuffin glory, completely unafraid to show it. Stan would always remember them if he were to be kicked out right now, but even with his fears of class shining through out of habit, he knew he was an equal amongst them. They looked at him like he was, and they trusted him like he was.

It was all quite overwhelming, to be frank. So Stan was very ready to get pissed.

The long haul up finally made it’s destination to the top level; Kyle’s incredible lab. Eric complained for good measure when they stepped off the elevation platform.

‘’Finally! What the fuck took the rickety piece of rubbish so long?’’

‘’Probably your fat ass porky,’’ Kyle retorted quickly. ‘’It can only handle so much weight, not two whale’s worth.’’

‘’Ay- fuck you techno-poof,’’ Eric flipped him off. ‘’My cock makes up my weight princess.’’

‘’Your cock is the size of thimble my man,’’ Kenny laughed, clapping Eric’s back. Bebe giggled behind her hand demurely. Eric shoved him off with a flush.

‘’Enough of this!’’ Kyle interjected, clapping his hands together. It was effective, they all turned their attention to him. ‘’Bebe, be a dear and fetch five glasses and bring them to the drinking room.’’

Bebe trotted off to follow his order, boots clacking in the distance as Kyle turned back to them.

‘’Drinking room?’’ Kenny asked with a chuckle.

‘’Shut up,’’ Kyle waved him off. ‘’ _Lounge, study, rumpus room_ , whatever you’d like to call it.’’

‘’Well isn’t much a drinking room if we don’t start drinking. C’mon my fellow criminals.’’

Stan followed Kyle, Kenny and Eric as they were led further into the lab, past the hulking machines overhead and through twisted pathways until they were virtually in an average hallway of doors. Stan thought about what Kenny said.

 _Criminals._ That’s what they were now. Terrorising a private business trading warehouse, not to mention a powerful Merchant’s. Shooting multiple employees and exploding the building into ruin. Effectively killing any nearby bodies, including Tucker’s. The idea of what they were doing, had never crossed Stan’s mind like this: he was now a wanted felon, by the very law system he’d once sworn to uphold.

_Shit._

‘’ _Heyy_ , nice digs Kyle. Why haven’t you brought me here before?’’ Kenny asked.

 _The drinking room_ , was indeed nice. It was lovely, crimson carpets lining the floor, dark wooden detailed walls rose to meet an elaborate ceiling from the seventeenth century. It was surprising, considered the late construction of this building, and Stan was left impressed. Red leather accent chairs and lounges lined around a stocked coffee table of liquor galore, begging to be picked and sucked dry. Bebe had placed glasses at the rim of the table, presenting them like a hostess, though her old receptionist uniform looked much more fitting to that position. She looked like one of them, in this elaborate do of straps, copper, boots and leather she sported. Stan much preferred it.

‘’You fellows, may go ahead and crack open the first bottle,’’ Kyle offered. ‘’Join us Bebe, our victory today is owed to you.’’

Bebe grinned like a shark at the compliment, promptly helping herself to a delicate brand of bourbon, and pouring a glass. They all joined her, and soon enough the five of them were seated comfortably in the leather loveseats and sofas in amicable appreciation of the quality. And the day they’d all managed to pull off.

Stan’s grim awareness of his sins switched to pride at his second glass, this lot made him feel unstoppable in their teamwork. Forget that he’d spent the past three weeks herding them like unruly cattle.

‘’Okay, so let me address the elephant in the room,’’ Kenny announced, gulping his third shot of prize whiskey. The atmosphere changed to bleary enjoyment as they all reclined and drank like heroes. Stan was seated on a loveseat, Kyle and Bebe shared one, and Kenny and Eric flopped in their own accent seats, already sloshed. ‘’Kyle- I’ve been begging on my knees for a jetpack for years, and you’ve been telling me they can’t exist- the science isn’t proven, whatever. And all this time- you’ve had one! The fuck man!’’

‘’One? Oh no, I have a collection,’’ Kyle laughed at his own revelation, clearly enjoying Kenny’s annoyance. ‘’Whatever man. They weren’t gonna be for sale anyway. What? Sell ‘em to you and watch you swoop down like a vulture on poor unsuspecting Lady Marjorine, and pick ‘er up like collecting a little sick birdie to eat.’’

‘’You could have told me though,’’ Kenny frowned. ‘’I wouldn’t have grovelled like an idiot- but I fucking knew you had ‘em, you bastard. Hiding shit from me doesn’t work- I know all!’’

He jabbed his finger menacingly at everyone at this threat, and the five of them bellowed at it. Okay, perhaps they were slightly sloshed themselves. Eric slumped over in his seat, snorting heavily with a near purple face. Bourbon worth more than Stan’s arteries tipped out of his fancy glass and onto the carpet. They all kept laughing.

‘’How did you even like- hide that thing from us earlier?’’ Stan asked, red-faced. Kyle turned to him in vague amusement, his own red cheeks making his eyes glow. Or maybe that was a glaze.

‘’It actually stays on my back- it’s not that big, so nobody notices,’’ Kyle explained. ‘’Oh shit, I left it in the car. Eh, it’ll be fine.’’

‘’Remind me to break into that car tonight,’’ Kenny whispered loudly to Cartman, who heaved and cackled.

‘’You try and steal it,’’ Kyle pointed to Kenny. ‘’I’ll blow it up with you attached, fucker.’’

‘’You just love blowing shit up,’’ Stan grinned, completely infatuated and unable to stop staring at the son of a bitch. ‘’Oh- fuck. Did we kill Tucker?’’

‘’If so, good fuckin’ riddance man, ‘’Kenny scoffed, leaning back. ‘’Job done, well done boys.’’

‘’Can we still hang out if the mission’s over?’’ Stan asked in frustration, forgetting his filter. He was also frustrated about how completely kissable Kyle looked, ugh. Just sitting there grinning dazedly around, eyes glossy, hair edible.

‘’Oh no. This is not fuckin’ over. You assheads guaranteed we’d be associating with the butthole PM Black and lovely Lady Wendy,’’ Cartman grunted, failing to look menacing while pissed off his head. ‘’Not until I say it’s over.’’

‘’If you wanna _FUCK_ Lady Wendy so bad, just go and offer yourself,’’ Kenny dralled. ‘’She loves tough boys drooling over her and offering worship.’’

‘’Wait- really?’’ Cartman sat up. ‘’How come every time I go she puts the dogs on me then!’’

‘’She’s playing hard to get fuckbrain,’’ Kenny continued. ‘’Difficult bitches like that work the world that way. Drag ‘ya to the height of your orgasm, only to drop you to earth like they don’t care if you suffer.’’

‘’You guys are so stupid,’’ Bebe chuckled, sipping her glass and smiling at Cartman when he glared.

‘’The fuck do you know whore.’’

‘’Watch it buck, I’ll put you down,’’ Bebe threatened Eric.

‘’Don’t get on her bad side _buck_ ,’’ Kyle laughed, leaning on Bebe’s shoulder. Oh, how Stan wished that was him.

‘’Do you guys actually have experience with the female population?’’ Bebe asked.

‘’Of course!’’ Stan scoffed, lying through his teeth.

‘’Tons!’’ Kenny announced.

‘’I’ve fucked literally millions of women before I was twenty,’’ Eric boasted.

‘’You’re the only chick I talk to,’’ Kyle grinned to Bebe, and Stan got the impression it was true. Bebe smirked at him, then referred back out to the rest of them.

‘’Well, since all of you are obviously experts. You’d know Wendy is actually using a technique called the bait and switch. It’s not actually that she wants you at all Eric- in fact I’d be worried for the woman’s health if she was. She just craves your attention on her, and it doesn’t have to amount to anything because she never accepts your love or affections- see? I’d say Sir Black is too busy to give the Lady what she needs. A woman’s got to look out for her self-interests boys- so treat your wives damn well or they could do the same.’’

‘’I would treat Marjie like a goddess if she let me,’’ Kenny sighed heavily. Bebe’s tongue clicked, but Kenny didn’t notice. Stan turned back and forth between them, then just settled on Kyle in the middle. He was prettier to look at.

‘’Hang on- so what you’re saying is I need to satisfy her womanly needs to win her?’’ Eric asked.

‘’No-‘’ Bebe started with a groan.

‘’I already make her come- multiple times! What more does the bitch want!’’ Eric shouted in drunk anger. Kyle spat whiskey out onto the floor in surprise.

‘’Fuck! Are you kidding?’’

‘’What?’’ Eric asked.

‘’You’re sleeping with the PM’s wife?’’ Kenny asked in shock. ‘’The guy we’re literally working for.’’

‘’Fuck yes I am!’’ Eric said loudly. ‘’I’m literally her soulmate- but the stubborn cunt won’t admit she’s mine.’’

‘’The hell are you doing here then? If you see her all the time already, why do you need us to talk to her?’’ Kyle asked suspiciously.

‘’She won’t pick up my calls anymore,’’ Eric reddened as he admitted this, but his drunkenness apparently saw to him telling them at all. ‘’So you know, what a good shock she needs than to walk into the PM’s mansion like a badass and confront her head on with a bunch of pussy twinks behind me to make me look better. Talkin’ ‘bout you guys, if you didn’t know,’’ he clarified.

‘’Classy,’’ Bebe sniffed.

‘’That’s maybe the dumbest thing you’ve ever said,’’ Kyle shook his head. ‘’And you’ve said some fucking dumbass things. You’ll be standing head to head with the most powerful guy in London- fuck; the _country_. And what? Punch him in the face and piss on his shoes? See how that works out for you.’’

‘’Unlike you princess Broflovski,’’ Eric batted his eyes. ‘’I know how to fight. He’s a spindly armed wuss compared to me.’’

‘’If I wasn’t drunk I would fight you on that,’’ Kyle scowled in disinterest.

‘’I don’t know man,’’ Kenny said. ‘’I hear he was a pretty decent fighter before he got elected. Like, won contests and stuff.’’

‘’Can we stop talking about The Prime Minister please,’’ Stan pleaded, feeling sick to the stomach. Technically, nothing was actually over until he confirmed what happened to Mr Black, and got his seal of approval of job well done. Otherwise, who the hell knew what his position was. He could still be lined up for the stocks for all anyone was willing to tell him. Something was lurching in his gut.

‘’You’re right, it’s in bad taste. We’re here to celebrate,’’ Kyle said, holding his glass up. ‘’To the disgustingly mismatched team of misfits.’’

‘’I’ll toast to that,’’ Kenny snorted, holding his glass up. Stan joined them. Eric stared at them like they’d grown horns, then just groaned and held his glass up.

‘’So fuckin’ weak,’’ he rolled his eyes. Bebe pulled her own glass up, and they all drank.

A few hours later, they were back to laughing hysterically. Bebe had taken her shoes off and poured the boys drinks for them like an old Norwegian maid, going around in a circle for more. She lingered in Kenny’s space a lot. Kenny was apparently drunk enough to put up with it- or he might have encouraged it.

At some bleary point in the night, Kyle had left his own loveseat and sat beside Stan, ignoring the grand made up story Cartman had retold for the third time. Kenny was still laughing at it like it was the first time. Bebe was sitting on his lap at that point, bouncing on his knee.

Stan was just presently trying to will away a furious boner he had. It was all Kyle’s fault. Whispering close to his ear the inner ‘secrets’ of his business, his lips had touched the rim of his ear so many times, his coordination sloppy enough to make the mistake. Alot.

Stan was pretty skilled at hiding his boners at this embarrassingly _teenage_ point in his adult life, but he’d be unable to stand up with it- so was stuck in the loveseat with Kyle talking in his ear- the poor bastard didn’t even know what he was doing, so just kept going.

It was felt like getting caught masturbating in public. The pleasure of this little but drastic thing was heavenly, but the pure embarrassment of the situation far outweighed how nice it was. Stan just wanted to hide- but in an unfamiliar building, there was nowhere but this fucking loveseat with the absolute fool of a gorgeous motherfucker brushing his ear on accident with his mouth.

‘’Hey, hey,’’ Kyle said, bringing his lips close again. Stan shivered down his spine- landed right to his dick. ‘’Did you think I was actually gonna die today?’’

‘’Well,’’ Stan was surprised. Somehow this whole night they’d all managed to avoid talking about that other elephant in the room, and it had been working just fine. ‘’I did. It was terrifying.’’

‘’Aw- I’m sorry,’’ Kyle pouted, grasping Stan’s shoulder with his gloved hand. Fuck- no. No more blood could go to his dick, it was too painful. ‘’You should know though- I can’t die. Not until I do something first.’’

‘’What?’’ Stan asked, curious. Kyle stared at him.

‘’Nothin’,’’ Kyle answered, an obvious lie. He looked away and his face turned red. It was pretty red to begin with. All of them were.

‘’Tell mee,’’ Stan begged. Okay see, he should not be operating a boner while drunk- he was sabotaging himself and couldn’t stop. Kyle grinned and touched his nose with one finger, bopping it.

‘’Nup. Not yet,’’ Kyle replied, teasing him.

‘’What’s it about?’’

‘’Uh- no not telling you,’’ Kyle shook his head. Kenny exclaimed something loudly enough to shake them out of it and glance over. Eric was spouting something Stan didn’t understand, and didn’t care to. He turned back to his little world with Kyle on the loveseat. Ha, _loveseat._

‘’Is it…about me?’’ He couldn’t help it. He was hopefully sappy when he was drunk- it was a complete curse. Should not be combined with boners, ever.

‘’Fuck Stan,’’ Kyle huffed. _‘’Everything’s about you.’’_

Stan wasn’t sure what shocked him more, what he said or how he said it. It wasn’t a taunt- it sounded like he was actually reluctantly admitting something. Something he thought he shouldn’t.

Stan was thrown through a loop, unsure what to say or do next.

Cartman saved them by accidently knocking off an expensive Brandy off the table, letting it shatter and stain the floor.

‘’AW! Cartman you fuck!’’ Kyle said angrily, getting up and popping the bubble, as though he was never affected by it to begin with. Stan sank in the seat pathetically.

Kyle stood up and argued with Cartman, saying it was expensive and rare and he’d better pay for that and the cleaning bill for the stain. Kenny and Bebe had moved onto a more progressive stage of flirting. Okay they were making out.

Stan felt miserably alone and unloved. The boner was dissipating as quickly as it had started, but he hardly cared anymore.

He would never have the kind of stable relationship he’d wished for as a kid. That was a pipe dream, and in the real world, life bitch slapped him back to the dirt where all the other poor fuckers waiting for better handouts existed. He was just being cruel, if anything. Doing this to Kyle, who Stan was half certain would reject him and the filth that the whole thing is. Anyone else in their right mind would. He was just an anomaly, something that was intended to be scraped away and solo forever.

He just wished he could actually feel like it. Stupid Kyle and his stupid natural friendliness gave him foolish hope, and it wouldn’t dissipate as easy as his boner. Maybe they shouldn’t work close after this. It was way too risky. Stan was actually getting braver every time he saw Kyle. A some point, his stupid mind would cross over the line, he knew it. Maybe it was better the mission was near an end.

Stan took the opportunity of all of them being distracted to step out of the room. He stayed close by- unfamiliar with the place. Just outside in the hallway, was a great place to vent his mind and attempt a dry sobering.

It was hopeless, he was fucking sloshed. But he was also stubborn, so he leaned against the cold industrial wall and just breathed the alcohol out.

Eventually Kyle found him. Of course he did, Stan was expecting it. They were natural drinking buddies, gravitating together. But also terrible drinking buddies, because it made the tension so goddamn _thick_ that he swore he could feel the sexual air urge his boner on. But Kyle didn’t know that, just knew the gravitating part.

‘’Hey, Cartman owes me so much money,’’ Kyle chuckled, meeting next to Stan and leaning on the wall beside him. ‘’It feels good to barter and win, I tell you.’’

Stan stayed silent, hoping this little moment of normalcy with his traitorous body would last. Kyle was so close again, their fingers would touch within a slight brush.

‘’Soo, we’re going up to Black’s Estate tomorrow then?’’ Kyle asked.

‘’He only needs to see me, you don’t have to go to the trouble,’’ Stan said, surprised.

‘’Nonsense, we’re a team. We go in together. Even Eric and his dumb homewrecking ass. Wendy’s gonna kick his ass when she sees him,’’ he laughed. Stan joined him weakly, feeling too anxious to find anything funny.

‘’I guess I’ll be unemployed after this job,’’ Stan said, trying to make it sound like a joke, but failing miserably. It just sounded pathetic and sad.

‘’You can work here if you’d like,’’ Kyle offered.

‘’What- I couldn’t-‘’ oh god no. Be jobless, or work for the one person who had a ruling command over his dick.

‘’I know I know, it would be weird,’’ Kyle waved him off, probably didn’t actually know. ‘’But I’d like to see you more after this mission anyway. And I can help you find work if you want.’’

‘’That’s kind of you,’’ Stan said, a lack of anything clever to say.

‘’Yeah, well. It’s the least I can do.’’

‘’I’m the one who owes you my life,’’ Stan scoffed under his breath. Kyle scoffed along with him.

‘’That’s not true. I owe you- understand?’’ Kyle said turning to him- so close. _Green._

‘’No-‘’ Stan couldn’t understand the question anymore- was too distracted.

‘’Fuck,’’ Kyle breathed, was so close that Stan could feel it. They stared. Stan didn’t know what he was waiting for.

‘’You know,’’ Kyle said instead of doing anything about this either. ‘’It’s um, getting pretty late. I have spare rooms for you guys to sleep in, to save you the trip and fare home.’’

Oh. ‘’Oh, that’s nice of you. Thanks,’’ Stan offered, hiding his disappointment. He wasn’t expecting anything though, and yet.

‘’And, um,’’ Kyle continued, his eyes looking away. Still just as close. ‘’You know I live here- right?’’

‘’You do?’’

‘’Yeah... and- my room is nearby the guest rooms in the building,’’ Kyle continued, eyes everywhere but on Stan’s.

‘’That’s- handy,’’ he had no idea what was going on here. Kyle finally locked eyes with him, fearless and wild.

‘’You should meet me there. Tonight.’’

**Author's Note:**

> [Follow me if you choose :3](https://www.instagram.com/lozislaw/)


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